I think they should use stronger sealant on cookie packaging so at least you get a decent workout before eating the entire box.
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My ex mother in law once commented that she wished her son had stayed married to his first wife.
Me too, I replied.
I refuse to pay all that money for CrossFit. If I want a man to scream at me in a garage, I can visit my dad
I still remember where I was when I found out that a serving of hummus is two tablespoons. I was on my second container of hummus.
The average life expectancy for a human being is one life.
INSPECTOR: do you use growth hormones?
ME: our cows are completely organic
*ground trembles & alarms flash*
ME: Oh no! Steakosaurus Rex has escaped!
My son, sleepwalking, came into my room and said “Can you get the trash out of my bed?” So I went to his room and showed him there’s no trash and he said, exasperated, “Why would there be trash in my bed?” then laid down and went back to sleep.
That about sums up motherhood.
How to become a Saint
1: Become Catholic
2: Live an exemplary and pious life
3: Perform at least two miracles
Or…Just Be Kanye’s baby
Credit Card Company: Yes sir, I see the bogus charges. We’ll take care of that.
Me: And…the other thing?
Credit Card Company: No sir, just because they tried to steal your identity doesn’t mean they are willing to take your kids.
With this onion ring, I thee fed
Me: I look great today
Fluorescent lights: I can fix that.
An FBI profiler once told me there are very few psychopaths out there.
I booped his nose and said, “I beg to differ.”
Got a lifetime ban from Target for spending less than $20
Charlie and the Chocolate Factory is basically Saw, but with desserts.
[before meditation]
I just wanna kill someone[after meditation]
and I know EXACTLY how
*Looking through binoculars
Awww, it looks like she forgot her password. I should remind her what it is.
Him: “Are you single?”
Me: *flashes back to that time Wil Wheaton RTd me and left me at the top of his TL all night*
“It’s complicated…”
Bartender: What will you have?
Me: Whiskey
BT: Straight?
Me: Except for that one time in college.
BT:
Me:
BT:
Me: How ’bout them Red Sox?
Being the tallest person at work, leads me to believe they hired me because they were short staffed.
My sisters made me watch their kids last night. At one point all six of them were crying, but I just kept rap battling them one by one.
I get home and change from casual Friday duds into even more comfortable clothes. Now I just look like melted cheese.
I’m a creative speller thus no typos, just art.
My kid: I’M NOT GOING TO BED!
Prison guard: *pinches bridge of nose* Again, this is not up to you.
Winnie the Pooh: will u marry me?
Piglet: for the last time, u don’t get a literal “honey” moon
Pooh: pls say yes I need to see for myself
My favorite part of Zumba is mortgaging my house to pay the chiropractor.
[ cookout ]
Me: OMG this ketchup is amazing!
Host: yea yea we all know you brought the ketchup
My teen said my new shoes are dank, so now I need to google what that means and decide if I’m happy or mad.
I get my Kung Fu skills from taking off a sweaty sports bra after a workout.
*flips over table*
*table flips back up*
Table: You got a problem?
Me: DO YOU?
Table: …
Me: HUH?
Table: …
Me: I SAID DO WE HA-
Table: No