she’s all “don’t sleep in the nude- what if there’s a fire and the fire men come and see you naked”
uh you pretty much described my fantasy
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School email said if we shop at a certain store a potion will be donated, and that sounds way more exciting than money
ME: If I donate my body, will it be used for weird and gross sex experiments?
SCIENTIST: Of course not!
ME: Oh. Nevermind, then.
You’ve said it before and I’ll say it again
-Plagiarists
Dishes are like boyfriends. My roommate should really stop doing mine
The most avoided species of shark is the Loan
It’s okay, everyone. I know my 3yo’s screams sound like his leg was run over by a lawn mower, but he’s just got some fuzz stuck to his thumb
[1983]
FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!
ME: Hahaha, cool!
[just now]
ME: OH SHIT BILLY
Me: I might get to sleep in tomorrow!
Kid: Hold my sippy cup…
This has to be a terrible time for roadstop serial killers
Everybody was Feng Shui fighting, those cats improved my ambient lighting.
I want to study goat psychology and write a book called, “Honey, I shrunk the kids.”
“All I ever wanted to do is make a difference.” – Subtraction Man
You never need to ask if there’s something in my pocket. I’m never happy to see anyone.
Asked my gf to buy me a 2-pack of socks and she came back with these wtf
Looking for recipe ideas, I’d like to use up this uranium before it goes bad.
Facilitator: Any questions about the sexual harrassment course before we start?
*raises hand*
Me: Is “harass” one word or two?
F:
Me: Thx
The power of art = theory.
The power of power = praxis.
The the of the = philosophy.
I’ll make you feel safe in that you’ll know you can outrun me if we are being chased by a murderer.
This is the ideal male body. You may not like it but this is what peak performance looks like.
My 3 year old had a tantrum earlier and afterwards he apologized for yelling at me. When I started to hug him, he said ‘if you just did what I wanted I wouldn’t get mad.’
Same, kid. Same.
Please stop saying “There are plenty of fish in the sea”. I’m sick of having sex with fish!!
Not saying dogs are better than kids in every aspect; but good luck finding a kid willing to lick up his own vomit.
I really hope someone makes a movie about a time traveler that keeps going to 2020 to fix it but makes it worse each time
I tried to explain Twitter to my Mom and she said, “Sounds like group therapy where no one ever gets better”.
Crabs always look like they’re walking themselves out of an awkward situation.
Whomever receives my blood, coagulations. Fastest indicator will be the unnatural pull to mustard pretzels.
[Me as an Italian language translator]
Police: Ask him where the money is hidden.Me: Spaghetti tortellini Benghazi Fibonacci cappuccino.
my dog is like me. you can call her and make all the kissy noises you want , she ain’t coming unless it’s her idea.
America: You drive for four hours. You are still in the same part of the country.
UK: You drive for two hours. The local accent has changed twice. Bread rolls have a new name.