Every time I hear someone say “The Lord works in mysterious ways,” I picture him performing miracles while doing the robot.
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Me on the toilet: HEY I NEED SOME TOILET PAPER
6: *running around dressed like a mummy* we’re all out
What I did to that ice cream is illegal is some states.
My 1-year-old already knows how to open the baby gate. She stands there, screams, and I open the gate for her.
*captain over the PA*:
and if you look out your window to the left, you’ll see Jerry, who is no longer my best friend, and deserves this.
Cop: Tell me again why there’s a guy in your trunk.
Me: I told him he would look good in it.
Friend: Can I borrow a pen?
Me: Sure!
*looks in purse*
*pulls out perfume, 17 Hershey kisses, a stapler & a baby goat*
Me: Sorry, no pen. 🙁
Me to boyfriend: You didn’t take the trash out.
Trash to boyfriend: You took me out last night. *lights cig* Didn’t you tell her about us?
Airport receptionist: anything to declare?
Me: how bout these guns? *flexes*
Her: OH GOD HE’S GOT GUNS!
Me: wait.. I was..
Her: HELP!! AGH!
it’s only a faux pas if it’s from the faux pas region of france, otherwise it’s just a sparkling oops
*pours a bucket of water into the ocean*
You’re free now
I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.
genie: you can’t wish for more wishes
me: okay, i wish for the best contract lawyer in the world
genie: okay weird but *poof* here’s alan
me: hey alan, find some loophole in this genie’s bylaws that gets me more wishes
alan: *to genie* this is the fifth time this month
People on Facebook Nowadays:
*Clicks pic while sipping coffee*
*Posts as DP with irrelevant caption: Every scar makes me who I am*
WTF?
You know what comes after “leg day”?
Can’t walk up or down stairs day
*walks up to cashier with paper towels*
Are these the largest tampons you have?
Just between you and me – when I said I worked well both as an individual and as part of a team on that job application, the latter part was complete horseshit.
[after a date getting dropped off at my gingerbread house]
me: I’d invite you upstairs but I recently ate my furniture
There was a sense of accomplishment finishing the daily newspaper. I literally have no idea when I’m supposed to stop reading the internet.
impressing her on a first date by using no knife but two forks
People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. They should utilize the cover provided by the transparent walls and return fire with lasers.
The prince in Cinderella wasted 0 time suggesting he inspect the feet of every woman in his kingdom
TRUE STORY: My wife and I cleaned the house last weekend and found that we both have children from previous marriages.
I get it dogs, I want to scream F-bombs every time the doorbell rings too.
I’ve known my drug dealer since I was this high.
It’s so cute when Gen Z tries to insult us millennials. We had metal slides and lawn darts, you can’t touch us
If I had laser hair I would never get that shit removed.
Please stop adding noises to your songs that sound like maybe something is wrong with my car.
It’s the weekend y’all
I just coughed so loud the neighbors set their house on fire and drove away.