That hurricane will bounce as soon as it hits LA because it can’t afford the rent.
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i just overheard this conversation from my family and i honestly give up jesus christ
sister: the bus driver earlier had sunglasses on + it’s been raining all day
dad:
sister: i wonder why. maybe he was blind?
dad: oh yeah, maybe
[they watch tv in silence]
me: ?????
I like my men like I like my coffee: encouraging my bowel movements
[death row]
GUARD: Ok, here’s your last meal. Bon appétit.
CAT: *slowly pushes meal off table*
Wise advice
Life hack: If you are sad. Don’t cry at home, wait until you go to work and cry in the bathroom. That way you’ll get pay as you cry. Cheat the system.
Chad: But I don’t want to advertise escorts or be known for shady stuff.
Craig: Then I’ll start my own list.
Sorry if I unfollow you. It’s nothing personal, I just hate the things you say and do, and who you are as a person.
One of the best examples of someone posing a question that they already know the answer to is the WeightWatchers website asking me if I accept cookies.
My ex is on Facebook saying how much he misses travelling, like he ever went further than the pub
Batman: “Shall we watch a film?”
Superman: “Have you got Cape Fear?”
Batman: “Only in revolving doors. Now, a film?”
what do you want!!!!!!!!
My body is telling me to go to sleep but my brain knows that there are Oreos in the pantry.
First they came for the people who loaded the dishwasher incorrectly & I did not speak out.
Because they do my head in.
Friend: Wanna go out with me for a beer?
Me: I’ll go out with you *finger guns* for free
Helen Hunt but only when Helen hungry.
Maybe it’s just me, but I know a few people that Cupid should shoot with a gun.
If you’re on the fence about having kids, repeat “Put your shoes on, please” 100 times in a row until you’re in a blinding rage & see if it’s right for you.
Nicholson: You want answers?!
Cruise: I want the truth!!
Nicholson: YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE TRUTH!
Cruise: mmk… how bout a little hint?
I told my son to go pick up the dog poop and he slowly looked at his dad, “I would if the lawn was mowed.” He got real brave with that.
“Sorry, we’re clothed” – Manager at a Nudist resort
[at a bar]
*creepy dude is hitting on me*
Me: you wanna get outta here?
Him: yeah
Me: cool. I would love it if you left.
“Hey mom can Kyle come over?”
mom: Kyle from your school or Kyle who is really bad at finishing other people’s-
[From outside] LOOFAS!
I held up a fist for a CW to bump and she kissed my ring. I am now drunk on power and no one is allowed to make eye contact.
My friend and I had a running joke. She said let’s do a marathon and then we both laughed.
Did I remember to take Ambien? I’ll ask my lamp. He’s speaking German but maybe I’ll get the gist.
saying goodnight to the group chat only to go to the other group chat with 27 of the same people
Stop saying “There’s plenty of fish in the sea.” I’m sick of fish seducing all our human women!
Wife: cuddle?
Me: ok
Wife: I mean with me
Me: *with my teddy bear* right
Him: I love nerd girls
Me: Did you know that having red beard hair happens if you only have 1 mutated MC1R gene?
Him: no. not like that.
My husband is outside talking to people. Tonight, he will be outside sleeping.