To my writer friends. Just keep going. I was rejected over 48 times before I got my 49th rejection.
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We rescued an injured coyote once but were totally unprepared for how many Acme products they order.
I appreciate your confidence in me, but it appears your “foolproof” chicken recipe is merely “fool resistant.”
“Love me do” is my favourite Beatles song written by Yoda.
JUDGE: the charge is murder, how do you plead
VIDEO: not guilty
FAMILY OF RADIO STAR: this is bullshit
Me: What are you going to wear on the first day of school?
9-year-old: My coolest shirt.
Me: What about the second day?
9: My coolest shirt again.
I’m going to be doing a lot of laundry.
in the original Little Mermaid, Flounder was meatier. if you saw him on someone’s plate on a restaurant you’d go “i’ll have THAT.” This new one does not look appetizing and could not satisfy me.
I’m not interested in your cat unless it’s on its 8th life and about to do something incredibly stupid.
Him: your account was stolen!
Me: My twitter account?
Him: no your bank account!*sigh*
Me: thanks God!
Eat healthy, but remember that greasy foods protectively coat your heart so it pops out of the fist of those who attempt to crush it.
Taco Bell, Exit 22
Welcome to parenthood. Have you ever wondered what it would be like if a day was 3267 hours long?
Me: it hit me completely out of the grey
Friend: *narrows eyes* you mean blue?
Me [secretly a dog in a trenchcoat]: …yes
me: excuse me but is the pilot vaping?
flight attendant: no there’s a fire in the cockpit
me: oh thank god
“I’m sorry, but are you suggesting what I think you’re suggesting?” -Fun way to confuse a waiter who just suggested a menu item
me: Baby shark doo doo doo doo doo doo baby shark doo doo doo doo doo baby shark! Mommy shark doo doo-
Other people on life raft: please stop
Calm down ‘Fitbit’ joggers. I can drink one 5-Hour Energy and reach my target heart rate without even getting off my couch
Me: I just love dancing naked in summer rain!
Neighbour: that’s it, I’m turning the sprinkler off right now!
As Head Priestess of the North Glendale coven…in addition to requesting YET AGAIN everyone sign up for unholy committee duties…I’ll reiterate that your amulets MUST be smaller than mine, yes I mean yours Susan. Also there’s a Prius blocking the driveway. All hail the Dark Lord.
Co-worker: My husband & I are praying for a baby. Me: You know that’s not how you get 1, right? You gotta have sex. What does HR want now?
If you can pin an animal in the petting zoo down for a three count, you get to take it home.
hello. i am the “friend” everyone has been asking questions for online. it has been a very rough three years but im starting to feel better. thanks for all your advice.
Me: please, I’ve tried everything
Dry cleaner: we don’t do Tupperware
My husband has been gone for 6 months. He’s on his 4th tour of Ikea.
Make porridge seem more glamorous by describing it as “Oat Cuisine”.
What idiot called it “Fox News” and not “white whine”?
I date waitresses so I can ask them if everything is ok when their mouth is full.
Her: My husband is having an affair!
Me: Really? Who’s catering?
Guys, stop comparing Trump to Hitler. He thinks it’s a compliment. Call him a middle-aged woman or a peaceful Muslim.
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
i love being in STEM (shenanigans, tomfoolery, escapades, and mischief)