The average parent burns 870 calories a year by shaking powdered cheese packets before opening them.
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This mosh pit at Chuck E. Cheese ain’t gonna start itself
You know you’ve got a drinking problem when you’re looking at the unleaded nozzle being labeled as 15% ethanol and you’re like “same, brother”
I feel sorry for non-glasses wearers. They’ll never know the joy of cleaning them & suddenly being upgraded to the UHD package.
As the anesthetic knocks you out, your surgeon washes his hands and misses a really easy shot into the garbage with the paper towel.
Kids, you can grow up and be
whoever you want …….. it’s called
identity theft.
if you save that one free donut u get everyday after getting vaccinated, by the end of the year that’s enough donuts to open your own shop but y’all don’t see the vision
If I hear someone crying I immediately cry louder to establish myself as the dominant sad person in the room
WIFE: so what do you want for christmas?
ME: [thinking about a bed made out of lasagna and instead of kicking off the sheets at night i eat a layer of noodles] oh probably some tools
“so u have no idea what started the fire” the fireman looks at me. i shake my head no. i nervously fidget with my recipe for a thrice baked potato behind my back
“Oh babe. All of that is for me?”
-Me, to my laundry basket.
You’re 35 weeks pregnant and gonna make me do math?
If you want to take your pet snakes for a walk in the rain, I have a handy instructional video on how to make reptile raincoats out of used condoms.
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Because of the ancient Roman literature puns?
Her: Yah
Me: But Aenid you
Security: Animals aren’t allowed in this art gallery, sir.
Me: It’s my guide dog.
Dog: Picasso, born 25/10/1881, was a Spanish painter…
my deep-seated irrational fear of ceiling fans has been vindicated
The Teen Choice Awards has to be the most legit award show because teens always make the best choices.
Delicious if literal: in a pickle.
Airport security: no liquids on the plane
Me: ok *starts drinking it*
Airport security: people usually just throw away the shampoo
No thank you, I don’t need a coaster. I won’t be putting my drink down.
[standing next to the boss at the urinal]
Ok, don’t act weird.“That’s some impressive bladder volume, sir.”
Heard my mom tell my dad to “stop tossing her salad” at the dinner table and now I can’t look at either one of them without laughing…
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He had the elbows of a seasoned kayaker. He had a racist hairline.
Salon has hairs on the floor
Garages have oil on the floorBanks, What’s exactly your problem 😭
Wife: Can we eat outside?
Me: *supportive* Of course babe. I love wasps.
*amasses epic army of stoners but we do nothing because epic army of stoners*
Me: You are not going to believe this…
Priest: Your confessions will always be belived, my child
Me: There is no toilet paper over here.
Working at McDonald’s at 16 taught me I didn’t want to work at McDonald’s at 17.
[on trial for murder]
lawyer: have you ever eaten cereal with water
me: [sweating] I don’t see how that’s-
judge: answer the question
how many bears make up a bear minimum
Welcome to your 50’s. It’s 11:40 pm, so this should be your 11th pee of the night.