When I’m bored on a plane, I pull a random machine part out of my pocket and ask the person next to me “Do you know where this came from?”
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My husband just walked into the living room and saw me chilling on the couch, then went back into his office… and suddenly I hear him telling his gaming friends “Hannah is begging me to go hang out with her, sorry guys I gotta go now”
I am my husband’s “my mom said no” 💀😂💀😂
Join us in calling for a total ban of people. They are extremely dangerous. If you know any people, report them at once to the authorities.
A guy in the store on his cell said “Susan, I’m in my car on my way” so I yelled “NO HE’S NOT!” Because nobody lies to Susan in front of me.
When anyone says they’ve embarrassed themselves enough for one day, I smile, nod and think ‘that kind of limit sounds nice’
yeah i ate the last 10 donuts, i don’t like a cluttered counter
Rabbits who hang out in indie pet stores are hopsters.
The sexual tension between my tendency to do something stupid and my resolve not to.
Spice up your meltdown through interpretive dance.
Fact: it’s impossible to look tough while getting a snack from a vending machine. You’re all, “Wheeee! A tiny bag of Cheetos!”
I should’ve never taught my parrot to say the alphabet backwards now he drives drunk all the time the cops can’t do shit it’s a real problem
Hear me out, a tattoo that beeps every time you are about to do something you will regret.
My kid has been not so subtley asking when April 1st is for the last three days and I am afraid to get out of bed
Edward norton: what’s your power
Me: I recast avenger characters
Mark ruffalo: wait wut
I act like Pacman at parties.
I walk around the room eating everything in site and avoiding everyone.
HR: “You’ve put Kurt Russell down as an emergency contact.”
Me: “Yeah, I’d like to meet him before I die. Dude is a legend.”
Earth: “You’re causing tidal waves!”
Moon: “So?”
Earth: “I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation!”
Moon: “Very funny.”
My 11-year-old has never worn slippers so naturally this is the one thing she remembered to pack for vacation.
The chances of you being killed by a chinchilla are low, but never zero
I’m going to normalize a new trend.
Unsolicited *CROC* pics
Me: *Unveils tray of brownies*
Neighbor: I said to bring a salad
Me: Salad is a colloquialism for brownies in my home
Neighbor: I don’t know that word
Me: It means ‘house’
He died doing what he loved, my now ex-wife
I’m surprised more killers haven’t lured their victims into their houses by blind folding them and promises of being on a febreze commercial
I feel like movies exaggerate men’s enthusiasm for having meaningful conversations while playing pool.
[repeating myself louder in the haunted house attraction] did the dracula throw water on anyone else’s pants??
I love the idea of Frankenstein applying for a research grant and having to admit he’s skipping the testing on mice and going directly for human trials.
[creation]
GOD: You each have a gift
WORM: What’s mine?
G: You…spin silk
BEE: How bout me?
G: Uh…make honey
HIPPO: And me?
G: Hm…eat marbles
“Once COVID is over” is starting to sound a lot like some “Lemme borrow five bucks I’ll pay you back I swear” bullshit.
Facebook: You have more friends on Facebook than you think. Me: You have higher expectations than you think.
[Interview for the cucumber marketing board]
Me: Can we talk about salary?
Boss: Not if you want to keep your job
My cat just knocked over my coffee mug and looked at me like it was my fault. How dare I put it on the edge of the table?