So, lemme get this straight…
Scooby-Doo can talk and help solve murders, but can’t go to the store and buy himself Scooby snacks??
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I used to wonder how anybody could possibly drop a cell phone in the toilet. Used to.
me: I got a cookie just for donating blood
friend: *woozily waking up* whose blood
Yesterday was International Day of Happiness. If you find yourself feeling happy today by mistake, don’t panic. Just focus on the news until the feeling passes.
Hot Hot Hot
I’m thankful for cell phones because carrying around 85,626 photos of my dog in my wallet wouldn’t be easy.
The lady behind me in the drive-thru honked impatiently so i paid for her order. When she pulled up to the 1st window to pay, her expression was priceless. Then I picked up both orders at the 2nd window and drove away
Me: Roses are red, violets are blue…
Them: I’m going to stop you there man. Imma assume this is your first rap battle?
I just passed the cutest kitten.
It was much easier than swallowing it.
Technically, it’s not gluttony if you refer to it as an “Emotional Support Snack”.
Lionel Ritchie being British :
🎵 Hello!
Is it tea you’re looking for? 🎵
I enter the wrestling ring in jeans and a tshirt. My opponent’s confidence sinks as she sees me biting into an ice cream cone with my teeth. Clearly I am crazy.
Weighing your giraffe: a guide:
1) Become VERY strong
2) Weigh yourself
3) Weigh yourself again, holding your giraffe
4) Subtract figure one from figure two
*pokes head out of dressing room*
uh yeah, i can’t find a single bottle of ranch in here
“Dude! You rock!”
– stated excitedly“… You stone! You worse than senseless thing!”
– held back 93 times out of 100
*pretends to throw ball*
*dog runs to chase it*
Ha, stupid dog.
*dog keeps running, disappears over horizon*
Um
*dog tackles me from behind*
Always proofread your tweets before hitting send. I now that know
My brother never donates blood because he hates the thought that his blood is having more fun in somebody else than it ever did in him.
KIDNAPPER 1: Is he responding to the truth serum?
KIDNAPPER 2: *Walking out of room I was in, clearly emotionally exhausted* He has… just so many Harry Potter theories.
Once dated a girl name Lolly just so I could introduce her to my dad & say “This is Lolly, Pop.” Broke up with her like 5 minutes later.
I just found a spot so sticky on my kitchen floor that it actually pulled my sock off my foot….so yeah living with children is a delight.
I’m an Easter egg in the streets and a deviled egg in the sheets.
Drinking alcohol can lead to many things, like uneating your food.
Wife to our oldest daughter: “Go brush your teeth with your sister.”
Me to our oldest daughter: “Sweetie, don’t listen to your mother. Use a toothbrush.”
Boss: It’s been a tough year Jim
J: Am I laid off?
B: No
J: Fired?
B: No
J: What then?
B: You’re to be executed at noon.
J: This is bullshit
“Oh, we’re going for a 30 second car ride? OK, let me gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked.”
– my 2 year old
Cop: Do you think you can identify the deceased?
Me *nodding* I bet it’s the dude over there with no head
Very tired of the NSA reading my tweets and not retweeting them.
I was at Asda today and a child was misbehaving so his mother pointed at me saying “if you don’t stop he’s gonna take you away” like wtf no im not
Me in the future: Son, you’re going to go far.
Son, fiddling with the catapult straps: I question your judgment daily.
How close to the road does something have to be to assume it’s free to take, because that’s a really cool mailbox.