“Welcome to D.A.D.D.D.S. Dads Against Dads Doing Dumb Shit. Repeat after me.”
[whole room] “AFTER ME”
“Ok fellas, lets start here”
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me: son, you’re adopted
son: WHAT
me: no no it’s a good thing, it means we actually wanted you
daughter: WHAT
*armadillo comes rolling back in the ball return*
“Wait.. if you’re here, then…”
*cut to wife sobbing at bowling ball* “UNCURL, FREDRICK!”
Husband: We’re invited to a dinner party
Me: Did Agatha Christie teach us nothing??
‘Hit me with your pet shark’ #RuinAn80sSong
*still laughing at a real estate ad I saw yesterday for a beautiful farmhouse “off the beating path”*
Who called it a Spanish teacher instead of an instruction Manuel?
Everyone hates the word moist until they eat a very dry muffin.
No matter how many shocking surprises life throws at you, you’re never quite prepared to hear a British person pronounce the word “vitamin”
Thank you for your comment did you use some kind of random word generator?
luke: *tips hat* waterwalker
jesus: *tips hat* skywalker
If it wasn’t for doing triple jump in high school, I wouldn’t be able to put on jeans.
Zombies never bite hipsters.
They taste fine.
We just don’t want to spend eternity hearing them say they became undead before it was cool.
If you love someone, set them free.
When they come back, because they will, make sure you are extremely happy with someone better looking.
I’m putting together a team
My favorite part about talking to my teens is when they give me direct eye contact, listen intently, nod understandingly and then take out their AirPods when I finish and say, huh?
When Fred Willard got arrested for lewd behavior in an adult movie theater I was shocked. Where did he find an adult movie theater?
WTF, marathoners? I don’t even like to drive 26 miles.
What can I eat that’s healthy and a donut?
Q: What did the one giraffe say to the other giraffe?
A: “Holy shit I can talk.”
A main part of marriage is heavy sighing to let your spouse know you are upset then saying, “nothing” when they ask what’s wrong.
I’d totally bang him, but how awkward would the job interview be after that?
Teamwork makes the dream work.
I broke up with a guy because he killed a horse on Skyrim.
[Outside ER]
Cop: “Sir, can you describe the vehicle that struck you?”
Me: “Absolutely. It was some kind of horseless carriage. A roaring metallic dragon with wheels instead of legs, with bright skin shimmering in the sunlight, passing foul vapors out its rear.”
Pretty weird that a hamster I had for three months at the age of six plays such an important role in my adult life as a part of my online banking security protocol
[Traffic Stop]
Cop: Sir, please step out of the car
Me: But you said…
Cop: I said 3 minutes tops & you promised not to touch the siren.
Friend: Do you think you could survive a zombie apocalypse?
Me: Depends. Fast zombies, or slow zombies?
Friend: Either one.
Me: Then, no.
There used to be many different names for the childhood game of knocking on doors and running away. But these days, it’s simply referred to as ‘being an Amazon driver’.
I turn hot dog water into ice cubes for house guests I don’t like
[dies, meets god]
explain Florida