just left a huge legacy in there
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Give your kid a phone so they can call in case of an emergency or tell you what they want to be for Halloween or say they saw a squirrel or
I think my wife might have been secretly taking goalkeeping lessons. I certainly wouldn’t put it past her.
My mom wanted me to go down to the store and get her a newspaper …. So I stopped churning butter and jumped on my horse and I rode off into the sunset to get one.
Angel: So the sins are deadly.
God: Yep!
Angel: So like, do you die if you commit one?
God: Well, no.
Angel: So why call them deadly?
God: It’s like *waving arms* spooky, you know?
Owl: Pretty cool having an owl drive your Uber, huh?
Me: Please face the front
It’s cute how people just rudely walk in front of my car like they don’t realize I’ll hit them and blame it on being an Asian driver.
Let’s get married and have kids, so we can have mini versions of ourselves do that annoying thing that our spouse does but louder.
Call me woke but the most offensive name in the kitchen is the Lazy Susan. Susan was not lazy, Susan was smart. Susan is a hero.
Jake from State Farm lives with us now, our house is full of khaki pants, he is making khaki pants for dinner.
Crap, I hate good-bye kisses. I think that I may have used too much tongue with my mother-in-law.
Starting to think that adult supervision is a myth. In fact, my eyes seem to be getting worse.
Report: Scientist walks in on climate changing, awkwardness ensues
Couple: [hands me camera] Do you mind taking a picture?
“Sure”[click]
Couple: How does it look?
“I just got my hair done, so pretty good”
Congratulations on angrily speeding past me to get to the red light first. You’re special.
“When neighbors start talking, good things happen.” 🏡
“Pardon me. Might I murder you with my musket? Yes? Excellent news, kind sir!” – The Very Civil War
Me: Strengths? I never vomit when I’m nervous. *vomits*
HR guy: Umm…you sure about that?
Me: Oh yeah, yeah. I’m just super drunk right now
It’s pretty awesome that everyone at Chuck E Cheese knows me by name, even if it is because they banned me from coming back
Award for the best actress goes to my 7YO for her performance as a starving deprived child right before bedtime
Dude, I’d love to go out with you, but this one person 80s dance party in my living room isn’t going to host itself.
[late to work]
boss: well ??
me: (panicking) uhh my car got stuck in the suez canal
The one time I typed “the” correctly autocorrect changed it to tge
My favorite sex move is the reverse fire fighter. That’s where you get him all hot & then climb out the window & drive away in his truck.
My neighbor and I stepped out at the same time, both of us dressed up for meetings. I nodded at him approvingly. He looked me up and down and grinned. I STILL GOT IT, I thought. Gave my presentation to 50 people. Get home only to realize my pants are inside out.
My GF is such a bad cook. The flies got together to fix the Screen Door.
If you haven’t heard from your boss in a few hours, be sure to message them and ask if they’re mad at you.
*gets hit by a car*
Passerby: “ARE YOU OKAY?”
Me: “Please… I need my… phone”
*opens Twitter*
Me: “LMFAOOOOOOO YALL GUESS WHAT”
I SAID YES!!! 😍😍😍😍😍💍💍💍💍 ❤️❤️❤️❤️ someone asked if I was alone for valentine’s day!!!
Me: Table for one, please.
Waiter: Would you like to see the men–
Me: YES.
Boss: You’ve really raised the bar around here.
Me: Thank you.
Boss: The customers can’t reach their drinks you moron.