Flying cars sound great but have you seen people drive? No way man
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I have way too much responsibility for someone who still isn’t sure if 12pm is noon or midnight.
*gingerly maneuvers the garbage can back into place between a stack of crown molding we’ll never use and your antique pesticide collection*
I’m so old that if I was a Care Bear, I’d be Medicare Bear.
Apparently “will work for food” doesn’t involve hunting.
Ever hate someone so much you decide to start eating healthy just so you can watch them die first?
I think more men would go to therapy if it was competitive. “Fourteen points in healthier communication? Yes! Eat my dust, Kyle! You emotionally unavailable loser!”
Hot chick at the bar just said that she’s gonna do something stupid tonight…
…I informed her that I only had a 1.75 GPA in high school.
I’m sorry for dropping a glitter bomb in the baptismal pool at church tomorrow.
People: Dogs can always sense someone’s true colors.
Dogs: WTF is “colors”?
Dating me is like a walk in the park – Jurassic Park.
Me: Ma’am your pet is loud.
Lady: That’s my baby.
Me: Ma’am your pet baby is loud
Me, 7yrs ago: NO EATING in my new car. I mean spotless
Me, Now: u hungry car? *mashes donut into CD player*
The baby daddies on 16 & Pregnant/Teen Mom should be used to test air bags.
It’s like you don’t appreciate this bag of toenails and I can’t deal with this right now.
23 year old me
*camps out for two days for tickets to Nirvana
48 year old me
*Wouldn’t walk across the street to see The Beatles
Me: We are a team.
Husband: Yes.
Me: We are in this together.
Husband: OK.
Me: It’s you and me.
Husband: Sure. But are we watching this whole show together, or am I going to find you’re 2 seasons ahead of me by next week?
Me: Us against the… Yes, that’s going to happen.
Being popular on Facebook is like being the smartest kid in summer school.
One day you’re partying until last call and then before you know it you’re genuinely upset when someone parks in front of your house
Scientists discovered the largest prime number yet (23 million digits) when it was given to them as the confirmation number after a customer service call with their internet provider.
I just watched an ad for a stain remover in which they cleaned a pool of blood off a sofa and it seemed perfectly normal.
What’s Godzilla’s favorite sitcom?
How I Met Your Mothra!
…No, YOU shut up.
God: you’re a garter snake.
Garter Snake: I’m a snek?
God: no you’re a snake.
Garter Snake: I’m a snek!
God: [sigh] fine you’re a small snek.
Garter Snake:
God:
Garter Snake: I’m a smol snek?
Starbucks needs a separate line for people who say “um”
I caught a cute guy salivating and giving me sexy eyes at the restaurant today and I was growling and giving him kissy faces but it turns out he was eyeing the waitress behind me who was bringing out his food and so to save face I dropped to the floor and faked a seizure.
Doctor: So what brings you in today?
Me: Stay with me here…I’m pretty sure there is a bus full of elementary age children flying around my small intestine.
Just told my sleeping husband I lost two lbs, to which he replied, with his eyes still closed, “I’ll help you find them. We’ll look later”
Them: you should buy crypto
Me:
Them: ok sell it now
Me:
Them: nvm buy it back
Me:
Them: OMG SELL IT
Me: [pulls AirPods out] what
you could tell me any fact about how dangerous animals are in australia and I’d believe you. they got vampire bees? of course they do. dogs don’t need a permit to carry a gun? I won’t even google it.
Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)