*takes a home pregnancy test*
*finds out home is pregnant*
*calls a carpenter to find out if it’s gonna be a shed or a gazebo*
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The only real importance in life is getting ahead.
Head. I meant to say head.
This guy at my work is giving his wife a gym membership for Christmas.
His name was John.
Aoccdrnig to Ylae rseaerch, it deosn’t mtater waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are in, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is how mcuh mnoey you hvae
For fun I like to stir up facebook by just posting, “The funeral will be this Friday”
Yeah sex is great, but have you ever rubbed your eyes for a really long time? O. M. G.
A black shape emerges from your attic; all you can see are claws. You’ve made $4000 in 30 minutes working from home, but at what cost?
Husband: We’re invited to a dinner party
Me: Did Agatha Christie teach us nothing??
The brat next door is outside banging on a metal bucket in his front yard …..guess it’s about that time to go mow my gravel driveway.
If you tell me your deepest, darkest secrets, I promise I won’t tell anyone. Unless it will make me look important or interesting or funny.
“I hate being single,” she lied, lounging in her king-sized bed all to herself
Instead of a jar to collect change for vacation, I’m going to start one for bail money, for when it flip out on stupid people in public.
“Ok, let’s go now” 😂
All of my best ideas involve jail time.
*curtsying before the royal duck court*
M’allard!
I’m a go-getter. I’ve started my New Year’s resolutions now so I can have them broken by Jan 1st
Make sure your first place together is on the ground floor, so when she throws your stuff out the window, it won’t break.
Downside: the pandemic rages on.
Upside: we’re learning the Greek alphabet
Without Googling, can you close your laptop, drive to the beach, and throw your phone into the ocean?
Wife: I hate that thing
Me: My glass? It’s a souvenir from abroad!
Wife: It’s a mug from Mexico
Me: It’s a collector’s item!
Wife: It says “Jalapeno Poopers”
Me:
Wife:
Me: You want me to toss it?
Wife: I want you to stop using it to serve scotch at dinner parties
[Thanksgiving Dinner]
“Ursula, would you mind saying grace?”
“I’d be honored. Let us join hands and bow our heads. WAIT FOR IT…grace.”
4: Is the Easter Bunny still coming to our house?
10: Oh I saw on the news he got Coronavirus and Easter is cancelled
Me: (forgot to get Easter eggs) Yup, it’s true
I don’t like to brag about going to expensive places, but I just went to the gas station.
Started watching LOST again w niece & neph, completely
forgetting I’m flying to Spain for a wedding.
PILLS ARE PACKED
12yo: can I play video games?
Me: no, come chat with me
12yo: ok what’s corp? The boys were talking about “corn with a p” at school
Me: go play video games
003: Hey
004: Hey
003: Hey
005: Hey
003: Hey
006:
003: I said Hey
006: What’s going on?– 4 Non Bonds
Seagulls are when the sea clenches its pelvic floor
Welcome to your 50’s.
I thought I saw a werewolf in my bathroom this morning then realized I forgot to pluck that one crazy chin hair.
Happy Halloween!
I love the word placebo, but it lacks something
Caught my kid wiping their boogers on the couch which is gross because I don’t want our boogers mixing.
out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted