lowe’s manager: so…you want a job. what department should I assign you to?
me: hmm…how about the mirror aisle? I can see myself working there.
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Sex with me is like a ferris wheel: slower than you hoped, full of clunky stops and a carny watches to make sure you don’t get off.
Of course people can change. I used to hate true crime but now I actively participate in giving shows content.
Dads are never closer to their pioneer heritage than when they are seeking out a spot for their family at the beach.
LEATHERFACE: Hruaghaww! *revs chainsaw*
VICTIM: Oh my god! It’s Leatherface!
LEATHERFACE: Wait! Wait. Is that what people are calling me? Do they think this is my face? It’s a mask! And it’s not even leather. It’s made of a face. They should call me “Facemask.”
there aren’t many things that sound as unpleasant as a high school reunion
1st kid: *makes own baby food from organically grown fruits and veggies fresh from the garden*
4th kid: *throws can of spaghetti-O’s in a blender*
If you tell your girlfriend you think the girl at in the corner shop fancies you,
you’ll never have to pop out to get bread and milk again
trying to cheat on my philosophy final by texting my friend who took it last year: “hey man, how ought one to live”
probably my favorite breakup story is that i ended things with a guy who had two eggs in my fridge & he went to the fridge & got the two eggs, one in each hand, glared at me, and left.
Technology is moving so fast. My toaster just sprinted across the kitchen.
Feeling a little sad…
…saw a FB post about someone that has “the best girlfriend ever” and realized that I have to settle for 2nd best.
my son swallowed our amazon dash button and now im afraid to hug him for fear of ordering another bulk order of goldfish snacks. am i cursed
This empty can of Cheese Whiz will now be known as Cheese Was.
Updating my 2014 MacBook and you would think I am diffusing a bomb. It’s been two hours and the fan is going so hard it sounds like it’s preparing for take off
[holstering a comically oversized mallet]
I’m a firm believer in the healing power of cartoon violence.
Cat owner : wow my pet cat really likes you
Me: yeah well that’s just because I have at least 2 sardines in my left pocket at any given time
As a married man, it’s hard for me to fall asleep after having sex. Because I have to drive home.
The older I get, the more I understand why Squidward is always so annoyed.
News: IKEA pledges 1 billion euros to help slow climate change.
But knowing IKEA, it will take forever to put the money together.
A Video no one needed, but since I miss saying these things, here is what Product Managers actually do.
Ask & say a bunch of random things to sound smart.Hope I get hired for my honesty at least if not for my skills 😀
Say “excrement” instead of “excellent”. Nobody will notice because people really don’t listen for shit.
“Most people on Twitter don’t send tweets like this” most people on Twitter are cowards
If a malevolent demon is watching you sleep, simply go to Settings > General > Privacy > Malevolent Demon Who Watches You Sleep (Deactivate)
Last week: Plague.
Today: Tornado Watch.
Monday: Frogs. Just watch. It’ll be frogs.
Roger Clemens is pitching for a Texas team named the Sugar Land Skeeters? They sound more like an Atlanta Strip Club than a baseball team.
In my house “no” means keep doing it till mom loses her shit.
Sorry to interrupt your party, but I’m a little drunk and need to do the worm across your living room floor.
Sorry I thought you wanted me to divorce my husband and run away with you when you picked some fuzz off my shirt sleeve.
Note to self: when in a bank and your kids are climbing on the chairs. Don’t yell…
GET DOWN!