Everybody’s gangsta until they drop their phone face down on the ground.
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Googled my symptoms and turns out I should have taken the cake out the oven 17 minutes ago
Why did Kermit The Frogs name feel the need to clarify he was a frog?
I just bought a new pair of sunglasses for whoever finds them in 3 weeks.
*Looking at new prescription from Doctor*
Me: Take on an empty stomach? Guess I’m never taking these pills.
Permission to use your hammer, your honor
It’s a gavel
Permission to use your gavel
Denied
*looks longingly at pile of walnuts & sighs*
I believe in workplace drug testing.
That’s why I slipped Ambien and Ex-Lax into my boss’ coffee.
Let’s test which one works faster.
Thank God you’ve updated your status to “Finished lunch” after you first posted “Going to lunch” I really couldn’t tolerate more suspense.
Facebook sent me a notification….unfortunately, my meth lab on Farmville blew up.
Don’t forget if you’re a member of the Tautology Society, we’ve got our annual AGM meeting tonight.
[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything
Subway sandwich employee said he wears the gloves “cuz the meat stings.”
I went on a date last night!
It went really well…up until the moment the couple realized I was following them & promptly called the cops.
Guys named Hugh are 75% ugh
Her: What do you do for fun?
Me: I write jokes about water vapor
Her: What’s that like?
M: It’s a gas
Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t make weird noises in my cubicle
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
My ex just sneezed and I accidentally said “bless you”.
Now she is staring at the bushes confused and wondering who said that.
I like to flush the toilet a few times when I’m on the phone with someone who calls me so they know not to do that again
Her: Talk dirty to me
Me: I’m not good at it
Her: omg just do it!
Me: You’re a bad girl
Her: oh yeahhh…how bad am I?
Me: Substandard
Say what you want about Korn, but they really cornered the incorrectly spelled vegetable band name market.
america famously invented speed limits during the cold war, back when they didn’t trust anyone that was rushin’
66% of Canadians were unimpressed with “The Revenant”, or as it’s known in Canada, “Pretty Average Day”
Greg: “You’ve put Christmas decorations up?”
Ian: “I know it’s only November but-”
Greg: “We work in a morgue, Ian. A morgue.”
Doctor: [puts my arm in a sling]
Me: wait—
Doctor: [fires my arm out the window]
Me: wtf
Doctor: [shouting out the window] next time it’s a leg STAY OUT OF MY PARKING SPACE
Banana boats are powered by bananas. Everyone knows this.
i may not be the smartest person in the room. i may not be the most interesting, or the most successful person in the room. but i’m definitely in the room
{1st date}
HER:What’s your favorite Disney movie?ME: *Worried this is a ploy to get me to share my pasta* NOT Lady & the Tramp.
What is your favorite movie about juice from a beetle?
It’s important to listen to both sides of the debate because you need to hear both the reality of the situation and also the dumbest thing anyone’s ever said
What if the first tire-swing was left there as a warning to other tires?