I think I’ll keep wearing masks to concerts for the rest of my life so no one can tell when I forget the words
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I read all tweets with poor grammar and word choice in a Cookie Monster voice.
ME: [building a robot] We’re going to be best friends!
ROBOT: [flies out of window]
ME: Why did I add a propeller
Apple managed to launch IPhone 8 and make it outdated all in a span of 25 minutes #AppleEvent
The guy in the office next to me is trying to save the company $1.7 million dollars from the IRS. Meanwhile I’m busy googleing “whale dongs”
[MURDER TRIAL]
JUDGE: So in 27 years of marriage, you never knew your wife was allergic to salt?
MR.SLUG:[Into mic] That’s correct.
wife: I’m throwing out the broken vacuum, it just sits there collecting dust
me: isn’t that– are you sure it’s broken?
I dropped food on the floor and my dog got excited but it was just tomato. I catfished my dog
If there are no verbs in your tweet you’re a rebel without a clause. If there are no commas in your tweet you’re a rebel without a pause and if you are a cat who juggles chainsaws then you’re probably a rebel without paws.
origin story of all Disney villains:
“omg if I hear ONE more person singing today-“
*FINALLY gets truck washed*
*immediately judges people’s dirty vehicles*
under no circumstances will my brother take the L
[1st time meeting a friends baby]
Me to the Wife: “Our baby would kill their baby in a duel.”
Friend: “HEY! WE CAN HEAR YOU!”
[At a San Francisco Dance Club]
*Grinds cute girl in a mini-skirt*Hey baby, what’s your name?
“Robert”
I’ve realized about a third of my life is spent trying to ignore the fact that I have to pee.
2022 will be better than 2021
My kid’s teacher asked me to text her if we were going to be late and I was like it’ll be a lot easier if we text you when we’re going to be on time
The great thing about having four kids is having four people to watch me bring in the groceries all by myself.
My neighbor threw away a stair lift. Unrelated, I can now go from my couch to the bathroom without walking.
Schrödinger’s Dumpster
me *sad*
toddler: You know what will make you happy?
me: What?
toddler: Taking me to McDonalds
I can guarantee i’ll never be a criminal mastermind. Leaving about 237 strands of hair in every room I enter pretty much puts an end to that dream
Dad: Tall latte
Barista: Sure thing. Can I get a name?
Dad: What your parents didn’t give you one?
*all the other dad’s give him high fives*
What kind of bait does a librarian use when he goes fishing?
A bookworm!
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayThoughts #ThursdayVibes
*peeing*
I should get outta bed now, I guess.
Watched a quiet place part 2 tonight and all I could think about was how screwed they all are once that baby becomes a toddler
Good Cop: just give us one name, and we can protect you
Passive Agressive Email Cop: Thank you in advance
Wife: can u pick the kids up from school?
Me blowing on the coffee in my ‘Worlds Best Dad Quarter Finalist’ mug: which school do they go to?
Saw a goth teenager walking a hyperactive chihuahua and if they can be friends, anyone can.
@funTweeters Thanks so much she screams throwing glitter all over That is so cool!
Me: I’m gonna renovate the house once I get my promotion. After that, kids maybe?
Date: Are you still talking about The Sims?
Me: Of course.