Dentist: Have you been flossing?
Attorney: *covers mic* You don’t have to answer that
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Just shake the magic 8 ball and tell me what it says
Priest inside the confessional: I’m not sure you know exactly where you are
Back in the 90s, Target sold mini board game key chains, including a key chain Ouija board. These tiny things always made me laugh, just imagining an inch-high demon running around tormenting someone. Oh no, he’ll give you a hangnail! He’ll roll the peas right off your plate!
“Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but giving her the tools to get it for herself” I say, handing my 6yo a crossbow
Guy in Car: get out of my way idiot
Guy in Crosswalk: pedestrians have the right of way
Car Guy: this ain’t Pedestria buddy this is America
scenes of unspeakable carnage
[reeling in big fish and turns to friend]
you got the net?
“yes”
ok, google how to get this thing in the boat
“Can I be honest with you?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t know me at all do you?”
me: my sister’s getting married, want to be my date?
her: wedding attire?
me: no, judith, she’s marrying a man
we went from “will there be dinner” to “will there be doors” on this flight in record speed
*pulls home cooked meal out of oven*
*family awkwardly stares at me*
Yup, this is definitely not my house.
You ever walk behind someone and you haven’t seen their face yet but you just KNOW they have a mustache
Son: Mom, set a 30-minute timer on your phone.
Me: Okay.
[30 minutes later]
Son: What keeps beeping??
Me: I have no idea
wife: I’m leaving you
me: is it because I cheated on you
wife: wha- no it’s because you keep bringing around your friend Mike who says ‘uh oh spaghetti-os’ when bad things happen
the closet: uh oh spaghetti-os
Flock of geese
Murder of crows
Mistake of beers
I don’t know if I’m still tired or already tired.
I’m married, so I recorded the last time I had sex 4 years ago, I’ll open the windows at 3 am and play it to impress the neighbors.
If you do ever have the opportunity to ride a tandem bicycle by yourself, find a crowded bike path and scream at the top of your lungs “ARE YOU EVEN PEDALING, JANET!?”
She uses her boyfriends toothbrush without his knowledge and wears his underwear every day….I eat a dog biscuit ONCE and I’M the weirdo???
You know when people wear 2 t-shirts at once and they look trendy and it looks really good on them well when I do it people are like “hey did you know you’re wearing two shirts”
Him: How many pairs of shoes do you have?
Me: 12
Him: That includes flip-flops, boots, and the ones you never wear.
Me: 118
Wild bee: just getting snack
Me: no prob beeMason bee: just make house
Me: build a way bHoney bee:jus sampling the lavenders
Me: you know I got an assortmentBumble bee: hey *bonk* I jus *bonk* I h
Me: *holds flower still*Wasp: I’LL SEE U IN HELL
Me: U TELL THEM WHO SENT U
I lost my voice.
If whoever finds it could resume screaming at my ex-husband, that would be much appreciated.
“wow this rap song is good I wonder who this is”
*waits literally 4 seconds*
“oh there look at that he said his name how convenient”
i asked my husband to get something larger than the tiny bottle of olive oil he usually buys…
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive.
When our children are on their own and off our medical insurance, we’re going to take that extra money and buy Fiji.
amazing news for movie lovers. i have just RSVPed yes to a wedding where the only person i will know besides the bride and groom is my ex boyfriend
Having watched me install a yard spotlight, the kids are looking at me in what I can only assume is awe, bathed as we all are in the glow of a whole new light.
I must say, I’m as surprised at them at just how quickly the flames have spread, though.
Exercised.
Burned 94 calories.
Exercise made me hungry.
Ate 940 calories.
My kids want a second dog for me to feed, walk and clean up after for Christmas.