At 57, when I say I want to last longer in bed, I mean sleep more.
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It’s “aisle” not “isle.” If someone’s on the “alcohol isle” that means they’re in Jamaica, not at the grocery store.
As an imaginary forensic pathologist I’m pretty disappointed in how many full fingerprints I left on the scotch tape while wrapping presents.
[parent-teacher conference]
Teacher: Which kid is yours?
Me: I don’t have kids. I just heard the teachers here are hot.
T:
M: How you doin’?
It’s called a flat stomach in UK but an apartment stomach in America.
I’m sorry, I refuse to call it Xmas, I’m going to keep calling it Twittermas like before.
8: you can’t make me go to bed. I know karate now.
Me: you don’t say…
Narrator: Daddy-Fu always beats Karate, even though the moves are mostly tickling.
Leonardo DiCaprio is totally getting laid tonight! This has nothing to do with the Oscar, just a safe assumption to make each and every day.
The Face ID on my phone doesn’t recognise me when I’m smiling. It does, however, recognise me when I have a mouthful of food.
MUFASA: Everything the light touches is our kingdom.
ME: What about shadows or when it’s cloudy?
MUFASA: *Sigh* Wh…why are you like this?
The Princess and the Pea
except it’s a rogue hair on the inside of my shirt driving me crazy all day
I may not understand women, but cheeseburgers have never sent me mixed signals, and for that they’ll always have my heart.
“I hate it when people pretentiously drop French words and phrases into conversations” I said to my fiancé, a propos of nothing, while en route to a café to enjoy hors d’oeuvre and an apéritif.
Do you know that horrible feeling of guilt when you eat all your kids candy?
Me neither.
That’s as old as the hills
hills: (offended) Hey
“what does your tattoo mean” i had money and nobody stopped me
Life isn’t about the moments that take our breath away. That’s asthma. You’re thinking of asthma.
She sells sea shells on the:
A) Shore
B) Shore
C) Shore
D) Shore
Jesus pulling Matthew mark luke and John to the Side and being like you guys are the big dogs
when my four year old asked “mommy does a snowman have 3 balls?” I realized my biggest problem is im just not, nor will i ever be, mature enough to have kids
As a kid Popeye was my hero. I’d stare at canned spinach and longed to eat it so I could be as strong as him. One day I stole a can from my grandma and with sweet anticipation took my first bite ever only to find out it tasted like… well canned spinach. Crime doesn’t pay kids.
I am just a boy, standing in front of a milkshake, wondering by what sorcery it beckoned me to this yard
If you eat a king crab you are automatically in succession for the crustacean throne.
remembering the time i crashed an oscar watching party with a handful of TV people in los feliz and brought a tres leches cake as my offering to have one of the actors stand up and declare it was “DAIRY” with a measure of disgust
Sorry I was late for geometry class, I got on the rhombus
Dad (92): Please don’t put that <item> there.
Me: Okay. Where would you like me to put it?
Dad: Anywhere you like.
Me: (moves item)
Dad: Not THERE.
I found a dog in a toilet.
It’s a poodle.
Wearing oven mitts and clicking BBQ tongs:
Ok I’ll look at that rash now.
[being buried alive]
murderer: *out of breath* how are you eating the dirt so quickly
It’s that pottery scene from Ghost except it’s me standing behind the Subway sandwich artist helping him make my sandwich.
7am – So tired I could weep.
12pm – I would LITERALLY kill for a nap.
4pm – Is it bedtime yet?
6pm – HOW IS IT NOT BEDTIME YET?
9pm – Perkier
11pm – Hey! Why am I not feeling tired now?
12am – WIDE AWAKE
1am – Reading ‘62 facts you never knew about Harry Potter’ on the internet.