Little kid *stubbing toe*: Gosh dang it!
[heaven]
Gosh: Why is it only kids get my name right?
Jeez Louise: Tell me about it.
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*a horse walks into a china shop
“Wait – if I’m *here*, that means-“
[cut to bull destroying bar and goring customers]
[Grandma’s funeral]
(Turning to friend) She knitted that whole coffin
just found out the guy who is lying about the trans flag being the “MAP flag” was charged in court as a pedophile
Female Coworker: I just got this implant in my arm. It’s for birth control.
Me: I didn’t even know an arm could get pregnant.
Do people who name their kids Tucker not know about the banana-fana song?
A harried Japanese guy is ushering me to the starting blocks of the 400 meter sprint. Please help i dont want this. I am not fast
[red carpet during zombie apocalypse]
“Who are you eating?”
Making sure to loudly declare my love for microwaved fish on Zoom calls so I’m never invited back into the office
Boss made me put a nametag over my left bosom. I leaned over and said, “Now, what shall we name the other one?”
*pronounces UPS like yoops
Buying a house has proven to be a lot like dating: All the really good ones aren’t even on the market and the rest are in need of a lot of repairs
The quickest way to get your kid to do their homework is to ask them to help with some chores
for all its faults Twitter is still one of the best places to provide that unbeatable feeling: learning of someone’s existence for the first time and immediately wishing death upon them
If you do the Macarena while you cold call people to ask about their political opinions that makes you a poll dancer.
When an IT person pisses me off I just wait until 4:45pm to crash my computer.
The guy who spelled pneumonia pknew pnothing
6: why do we bury dead people and animals but not plants?
Me: um…
6: when plants die can they be ghosts?
Me: I hope not. Otherwise our house is very haunted.
[Ventriloquist Mafia]
“Oh we have ways of making people talk.”
Walk of shame
Except it’s me leaving the work bathroom just as the cleaners show up
Boss: And why can’t you come in today?
Me: *at an aquatic petting zoo* I’m feeling a little eel.
Smiling releases endorphins in your body, which relieves stress.
All I have to do now is explain that to my proctologist when he’s done.
Me: Night love.
11: Did you know the snow in the Wizard of Oz was made of pure asbestos?
The vast majority of spider couples met on the web.
Parents love telling you that you should date that person you haven’t seen or thought about for 10 years
I wish I had the determination of my wife who’s still flipping through radio stations as we pull into our driveway.
HOW TO KEEP YOUR MOM OFF TWITTER
Friday: gonna work all weekend on home improvements
Saturday: well these CDs aren’t going to put themselves in chronological order
Sunday: on second thought, I’m going to rank them
On our break this morning, I started to tell my wife about the novel scene I was writing. Halfway through my explanation, she took out a grocery store receipt and started silently reading it to herself.
No professional review will ever so harsh. I am now dead.
Neighbor thinks I’m stalking her. Any time she hears a noise she is purified. Petrified!
Sorry, not easy reading a diary thru binoculars.
Friend: u around this weekend
Me: yep
F: to help me move
M: uh one sec *fake hold music* hey yeah, that was my doctor, bad news, I have died