I realize how this looks, but that guy’s neck was already like that when I got here.
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MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: Oh my gosh yes!
MAGICIAN: It’s been declined. Do you have another way to pay the deposit for your kid’s party?
The baby daddies on 16 & Pregnant/Teen Mom should be used to test air bags.
date: so you have any hobbies?
me: i play a guitar sometimes.
date: oh i’d love to see that.
me: okay [clears throat] look at me i’m a guitar!
Do you need a glass of water?
No???
You sure? You seem a little salty…
‘what goes on inside your head?’ nothing i wanna be a part of
“This, too, shall pass,” I thought to myself after the dog swallowed a tube sock.
“I just called to say I love you.”
-Stevie Wonder not understanding how prank calls work
Someone sent this to me and it’s bone chilling in its accuracy
Baby, tonight let’s put the kids to bed, pour some wine, turn the lights down low & argue over whose turn it is to move the Elf on the Shelf
Blood is thicker than water and a lot harder to clean off the walls.
[Dragging 3 whining kids through mall] No thank you, mall kiosk employee, I’m not interested in trying “something amazing for my hair.”
I was dressed and ready to go for a run an hour and a bag of Doritos ago.
Crazy how Jeff Bezos could’ve ended world hunger but instead he chose to cheat on his wife, which cost even more
Dealer: Anyone follow you dude?
Me: just my cat
*dealer opens trench coat & my mom jumps out*
Mom: why are you using drugs???
Alexa, make me look good naked.
My teens hanging with me at 7pm:
19yo: I need to email my professor!
15yo: That’s late for an old person.
19yo: He answered me back!
15yo: Wow! You sure he’s as old as Mom?
Me: Hey!
19yo: No–
Me: Thank you!
19yo: Definitely not as old as Mom!
Me: HEY!
Me: *finds God*
God: “Okay your turn… 1… 2… 3…”
Am I romantic?
I do the rose petal thing but I use potato salad.
So, I don’t know.
You tell me.
“I believe I can fry” – R Kelly filling out McDonald’s application
If anyone gets drunk later and feels like paying off a credit card or two for me hmu.
“Don’t take this the wrong way”
Translation: Prepare for insult.
When your man makes a valid point
Sick of the media always blaming video games for the rise in fantastical jewel-seeking quests.
being a liberal is all fun and games until you need a friend with a truck
whenever I feel bad for not wanting to get out of bed I remember it took animals like 150 million years to leave the ocean for the first time and I can relax again, like what’s the rush
Social distancing has taken all the fun out of avoiding people.
[robbing a bank]
Bank teller: *slides over money* here you go
Me: *slides it back* can I make a deposit
“I should probably start filling this thing out.”
-I say about my son’s baby memory book on his wedding day.
just found myself walking around inspecting things in my front yard with my hands clasped gently behind my back, so my transition into my grandfather is nearly complete
*feels painful possible cavity*
*eats chocolate to feel better*