My cat constantly looks at me like I asked her to give me a ride to the airport.
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You’re 15 and miss the 90’s? Yeah, I’m sure those were the best 2 years of your life. Shitting in your pants and eating dirt.
Witness: I saw the defendant stabbing the victim.
Lawyer: Objection! Witness is ugly!
Judge: Sustained. Jury will disregard the statement.
I let an AT&T Customer Service Representative call me Brenda for a half hour because I was too embarrassed to correct him
5yo: Daddy, what’s a facial?
Me: Your brother.
5yo: I don’t have a brother!?
Me: Exactly!
Husband: Let’s talk about it when we’re not tired and cranky.
Me: So, in like 18 years?
Anti-Hero if Taylor Swift was in a SKA BAND @Skatunenetwork
Murderer: *trying to break into my home* *struggling with the baby gate*
Me: It’s a – you have to pull with your thumb while you LIFT
Murderer: Like this? I don’t-
Me: Yeah, yeah, now LIFT
Murderer: *jiggling gate* You know what, I’ll try a different house. You have a good night!
Me: My son’s goldfish died. What should I do?
Him: Just flush him down the toilet
Me: Gotcha. And the fish?
The guy at the dispensary sold me on live resin edibles and said “just start with one and see how u feel after 45 mins” but i said to myself hey my tolerance is high i can probably take 3 . it’s been 20 mins and i fear i’ve made a grave mistake.
toothpaste ads are like do you want your teeth to look so good it makes your friends feel like shit? and ppl be like hell yeah i do
Thoughts and prayers for my dog. The mail carrier showed up today like she does everyday.
I posted a selfie and someone commented “Oh my! That was brave.”.
I wish they had an app that allows you to delete your number from other ppl’s phones.
Sorry my ringtone of NSYNC’s Bye Bye Bye went off during the funeral
5 told me they read Pinocchio at school and that Pinocchio’s nose got big if he lied, then she looked at me and said “wow mummy you must have lied a lot”
Girl, are you a glass of water because I think you’re about to throw yourself at me.
New mom: any advice?
Mom 1: sleep when the baby sleeps
Mom 2: eat when the baby eats
Me (who has no children): check your email when the baby checks their email
Me, on phone with mom, “I’m drinking a glass of rose’ paired with a warm, toasted strawberry crumble.”
Husband, “You’re drinking wine from a box and eating a pop tart.”
Me, finger to my mouth, “Shhhh….”
[first day at prestigious culinary school]
“I don’t see this on the syllabus, but when do we cover French regional microwave cuisine?”
It finally happened. I’m at a restaurant and a guy at the next table told the waitress “Fun fact about me: I’m a google reviewer and my reviews have over 2.5 million views”
*reads list of assassin targets*
“Eggs, milk…what the-”
[CUT TO] *wife at store looking desperately for North Korean nuclear physicist*
In response to McDonald’s pay with hugs campaign, Nationwide will allow you to pay for insurance with DEATH.
No YOU’RE not worded correctly.
Pac-Man gave me very unrealistic expectations about my ability to run away from ghosts.
🤣✨#caturday
HER: You’ve run over my dog
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME: [imagines finally being called a good boy] yes please
*Husband buys me flowers*
Me: Aw sweet, but don’t waste money on things that are going to die.
Him: But you keep buying the cat food.
Cop: [aiming gun] Neither of you move
Imposter disguised as me: He’s the one you want, kill him…
Me: [knowing my wife bought a drum kit for our sons birthday] He is correct
My parents bought us candy cigarettes for my 11th birthday party. The store was out of candy syringes.
If you’re ever wondering if you and your spouse are on the same page fold a large blanket together. You’ll have your answer quickly.