Nothing says, “I have a lot of free time,” more than someone eating a pomegranate.
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This bicyclist in front of me sure dresses like he could be pedaling faster.
Teen: Your outfit is on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your MOM is on fleek.
Teen: (smiles) Thank you!
Me: God damn it.
I’ll never understand people who talk on the phone in a public restroom, because even if you aren’t planning on flushing at some point, I am.
If you reply with “sky” each time I ask what’s up, I shall assume you’re homeless.
Whenever a girl is talking too much, remind yourself that other thing she does with her mouth that you like so much. Might dull the pain 😉
I like to sleep with a fan in the bedroom. He makes me feel safe when my eyes are closed and writes really nice letters
If anybody asks, we met teaching Sunday school.
Now that I’m a dad, I can just fearlessly blurt out “Congress are a bunch of losers” and go back to reading the sports section.
All these poor newlyweds in quarantine just aging their marriages in dog years.
Them: Can you help me?
Me: I don’t work here.
Them: Oh, sorry. *leaves*
My boss: You need to stop doing that.
A lady in a BMW pulled up to me on my bike to ask if it was hot out, and now my goal is to be so rich I can’t feel weather.
I just tried to make coffee with my air fryer, so TGIF
Warning: Too much sex leads to a house full of people who don’t like you.
Practice good oral hygiene by wiping your mouth with toilet paper after talking shit
me: hey there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: I know what they’re for
I gotta take better care of myself. Today at the park a guy asked me if I would pretend to be his son from the future to scare him into eating right.
date: I love a man who’s self aware
me: I’m honestly below average looking and pretty boring
date: *gets super turned on*
I almost slept through the whole thing
*best day ever*
Me: Have you showered & brushed your teeth?
16: Stop bullying me.
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
What’s it called when there’s a bunch of big dry leaves on a darkened path but only one of them comes tumbling towards you.
A rat. A rat is what.
*eats Big Mac meal*
*has two ice cream cones for dessert*
*drives by gym**wonders why new diet and fitness plan isn’t working*
2032. Predictive Text has been perfected. You idly check in on your lunch break to see what you & your best friend have been chatting about.
FRIENDLY REMINDER: Frankenberry is not the cereal. He’s the guy who CREATED the cereal. The cereal is his monster.
The average person swallows 8 cats per year in their sleep.
Our dog runs away so much, I’m just going to spray paint our phone number on her side.
Police Sketch Artist: We need to get his face out there ASAP. I’m going to need you to describe him to me.
Me: He looked like the type of person who wouldn’t be ashamed to ride a tricycle in public.
Police Sketch Artist: *pencil poised* Um…
Me: That’s all I got my man.
There is so much misplaced anger in this world. And so much of it is aimed at Brussels sprouts. Sad.
“On this one particular day every year we put on different clothes and pretend we are someone else then we go to strangers’ houses and ask for stuff”
Aliens: WHAT
Pro tip: when a cop asks you to step out of the car, don’t reply with “I’m too drunk, you get in.”