MY CAT (checking her watch urgently): 3:30am? oh heavens I was almost late for parkouring loudly about the house
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🎶 Whoa we’re half way there,
Whoa-oh…
Capitalist: Hi
Anti-Capitalist: hi
Announcer: In one corner, her will to live. In the other corner, her sanity. Let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
[security patting down mouse]
“Any cheese on your person, sir?”
[waves another mouse over them like a metal detector wand]
“He’s clean.”
*answers every how are you with, “I don’t know, I don’t speak to me anymore.”
I’m no mathementientist, but I should probably go to bed because it’s 4AM and I’m making up words again.
Looks like someone’s thrown Yoda through a window.
If a bear attacks me, I’m staying put. The only thing worse than getting attacked by a bear, is getting attacked by a bear while running.
[job interview]
“What’s your biggest weakness?”
I make poor decisions
“Can you explain?”
Sure, but let’s do some shots first
My daughter has recently become deathly afraid of our cat. So I’m going to have to get rid of her. At least I’ll have my cat to comfort me.
Me: Do not ‘K’ me again.
Daughter: Que
Me: In any language.
Her: SiThis is why I’m crazy.
Please don’t tell me how bad your life was growing up, we had to manually roll up our cars windows
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
Him: how did your duel with your nemesis go?
Me: *kicks stone* we were approaching each other from a distance and I drew my sword too early and had to hold it out for ages like a doofus
7: Mommy look!
Me: Ok
7: Look at me!
Me: I’m looking
7: Look!
Me: I AM!
7: Why aren’t you looking?!
Me: OMG I’m looking! I’m staring right at you!
7: Wow. You’ve got a temper
Me:
7: And staring is rude
my kids teacher via zoom: division is multiplication backwards
me: (in distant background) holy shit.
People will stop talking to you if you challenge them to a rap duel.
Me: You think you have all the answers but believe me, you need what I have up here..
*points to head*Her: What, half a bottle of mousse?
She had silky hair and legs that went on for days. I was in bed with a horse.
Turn your trip to the grocery store into a ninja challenge by shopping strictly out of other people’s carts when they’re not looking.
Do not stop by my house unexpectedly then act surprised when I answer the door in my underwear eating baked beans straight from the can.
if you’re not easily offended, why are you even here?
me: [picking my nose]
surgeon: great choice
I am at my most pretend homemaker when I have a repair person in the house. Who me? Oh I’m just gonna sit here and handsew the trim back on this pillow and when I’m finished with that I’m going to sort my dried flowers for two hours.
The first Saw movie should have been called Footloose.
COVID-19, economic collapse, quarantine, shortages…2020 can’t get any worse, you said?
Facebook has announced it’s created rooms for Messenger.
God help us.
inside you there are two wolves. one snores like “honk shoo honk shoo honk shoo.” the other one snores like “hooooonk mi mi mi”
There are so many of you I would love to hug and like two that I’m afraid they’d make me into a lampshade
[meeting girlfriend’s dad]
Me: nice to meet you, Mr. Phillips
Him: Dr, I have a PhD
Me: oh, nice to meet you Dr. Phdillips
The Roman Empire: was not built in one day
The Ramen Empire: ready in 3 minutes