I never see my neighbors. Unless I’m walking through the kitchen pulling my bra through my sleeve, glance out the window, and then it’s all like heyyyy
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My wife makes us recycle everything.
*empties condom into sink*
My dad, a pilot rescued on French soil, behind a hidden wall panel with 8 Jewish children as the Nazis search, quietly opens a bag of chips
hey sory i just saw this mesage u sent last month even tho all my notifications make sounds and my phone is in my hand even when im sleeping
I’m sick of everybody in this house.
-me, who lives alone.
When there’s a forklift accident they have to put the forklift down because once a forklift gets a taste of human blood…
i just think if i chewed lava quick enough it wouldn’t be too bad
Me: I had a nightmare that someone broke into our house and tried to steal our kids
Husband: What’s the nightmare part?
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first
“Just circling back on this.”
“Take another lap.”
[Zoo, bird show]
“Millions of years of evolution have made these ancient raptors into graceful sky gods.”
*bird headbutts window 50 times*
Last time I went to confession, the priest made me pause so he could open the urban dictionary on his phone.
If boarding school taught me anything it’s how to get on planes and trains.
Sorry I said your mom’s beef stroganoff was stroganawful.
Organ harvesting really creeps me out, so I’m doing what I can to make mine unsalvageable.
WIFE:
“At recess today, some kid named Billy told our daughter that he had butterflies in his stomach. Isn’t that adorable?”ME:
”That Miller kid? He’ll eat anything.”
“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself.
This is the one
fred: I can’t figure out who the monster is
scooby: that guy’s face smells like a rubber mask
fred: really no idea who it is
scooby: it’s him, it’s that guy–
fred: just no way to know
What the vet said: Your dog is a little dirty.
What I should have said: I’ll do better.
What I actually said: You should see my kids.
*Watching opening credits -The Winter Olympics in PyeongChang 2018*
Me: “How do you pronounce that?”
Daughter: (Heavy sigh & eye-roll) “OH.LIM.PIKS”
Lmao at people who ‘play Devil’s advocate’ like Lucifer doesn’t already own all the lawyers.
I confess, when I asked you to put your feet in this bucket of wet cement, I had an ulterior motive.
A grown man smelling like baby powder stood next to me today.
My maternal instincts have never been so confused.
CIVIL WAR SPOILER: A lot of people in the South still don’t know they lost.
If I was named Edward Normus, I’d use my first name’s initial and my last name as much as I possibly could.
Finally
I’m told I look very good for a man twice my age.
“Any drugs or alcohol, sir?”
“No thanks. Getting those things from a cop seems awfully setup-ish.”
My wife left me for my best friend.
Well, he was just a stranger at that time. He is my best friend now.
For those who are Struggling with English:
Don’t = Do not
Won’t = Wo notFollow me for more advice…