Stuck in traffic but luckily few people are beeping their horns so we’ll be moving any second now.
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With less than 1 day to go..
Mummy, I want everything that is art in the whole world for Christmas. Ok?
still thinking about the time my bf told me I was “boring and unoriginal,” and the only thing I could respond with was “no, YOU’RE boring and unoriginal”
Pediatricians should write complementary prescriptions for parents so that when we inevitably wake up with the same thing as our child we can be more prepared.
I’m over at my parents’ place eating dinner and my stepmom comes in and tells my dad, “Your furry daughter is eating” and for a second I thought I was being called out and accused before I realized she was talking about the squirrels my dad likes to observe outside
BOSS: is your make up tattooed on?
ME: yeah it’s exhausting to have to put it on every single morning
BOSS: why a clown though
does any one know where i could find some Unsolicited advice? preferably from people with weird personality disorders who dont know anything
Whenever I babysit I wear a wig. When the parents leave I cut off 90% of my hair. I tell the kids if they don’t behave, they’re next.
remember when u found out the french word for seal was phoque and u were like this is the best day of my phoquing life
Mitt accuses Obama of being detached and out of touch. Then flies to the Caymans for a quick cuddle with his money
RELATIVE: You know about computers, right?
ME (has a degree in computer science): No
i don’t have a lot of great life advice but one thing i can 100% tell you is don’t be the person sending angry drunk texts after midnight
We go together like unprotected eyes and a lab accident.
Judge: Guilty
Me: Sayyoudidwhat.
Judge: What did you say?
Me: Judge? Did you just reverse my sentence?
*Stage dives into cheering jury*
she would like to bark at the manager, please.
When a CW is coming out of the men’s room as I walk past, I always ask if everything went well because that’s the polite thing to do.
*breaks out of prison
*hunted by police for weeks
*crawls thru 22 miles of mud to your house*
Me: <taps on your window> DID YOU GET MY TEXT?
Anyone else ever hit the pizza button on the microwave and hope that pizza would be there?
Who decided that we have to get stuff done every day?
Me: Hi. Is your refrigerator running?
Random person who answered the phone: Yes.
Me: ok. Where does it stand on immigration?
If any of you toddler parents need some encouragement to keep pushing through those toddler years – I just slept in until 11 am on a Sunday.
[first day as producer]
superstar rapper: THAT’S THE 87TH TIME YOU’VE STOPPED ME
me: *tapping swear jar with pencil*
manning had to write 500 words about thomas edison, he got his 500 word count pretty quickly: When Thomas Edison was 12 Thomas Edison convinced Thomas Edison’s parents to let Thomas Edison start selling newspapers. (the entire paper is like this!!)
Valentine’s Day is a stupid and made up holiday unless someone wants to give me a present in which case I really believe in celebrating it
if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
Don’t look at me like that, daycare lady. Yes, my 3-year-old is wearing shorts and two sweaters. When I’m late, I negotiate with terrorists.
IKEA is the swedish word for “relationship meltdown in a public place.”
Van Gogh: take my ear as a symbol of love
Girl: ew I don’t want this
Van Gogh: I’m glad you like it
Girl: can you even hear me? This is gross
Van Gogh: I love you too
Adding “scroll for two hours” to my To-Do list, so I won’t do it.
Why are cops the only ones who get to go undercover? Why can’t a dentist? Coming soon, Undercover Dentist
i don’t want to rock and roll all night. i want to sleep all night without having to get up and pee 39 times