Batman’s an example of a guy who took his parents double homicide and made lemonade
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You’re the unreachable booger of people.
Satan won’t really know what hell is until I turn up with my whistle.
huge valentines day plans this year!!
[dinosaur heist movie]
*the expert triceratops safecracker spends 40 minutes unsuccessfully trying to put his ears up to the safe*
I accidently invited people to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
which is the Beyonce song where it’s like we’re independent but also you should marry us but like we’re super-strong but also pay our bills
Me: Eat your vegetables. They make you smarter.
3-year-old: *hands me a carrot* You need this more than I do.
“Nobody will embarrass the UFC more than Jon Jones”
Conor McGregor-“Hold my beer bro”
Don’t leave me hanging, Larry
I’m exhausted from imagining a clean house all day.
“Make it rain” is the only appropriate response when asked if you want parmesan cheese.
Wanna feel old? Subtract your birth year from the current year.
If you wear your old prom dress to the pharmacy, they’ll fill your antidepressants faster.
You don’t realize how old you truly are until you are required to jump down off of something.
Not sure if I actually like movies or just like looking at something while I eat popcorn.
Shall I compare thee to a wooly worm?
Thou art more fuzzy and more ravenous
Being the firstborn, I was the science experiment
Me: i hate it when I have to come in to work
Boss: i hate it when you have to come to work, too
If it’s unimportant, I’ll remember it.
me: what makes you angry
pirate: when someone steals my p
Aww. This is sooo cute. My 12 pet shrimps have taken their shells off and are drinking from a bowl of cocktail sauOH MY GOD WHO DID THIS!?
Your call will be answered in the order in which we draw names from a hat.
me: how much is this cordless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
[at urinal in restaurant bathroom]
Him: …
Me: …
Him: Do you come here often?
Me: No
Him: …
Me: I go into the stall for that
I asked my wife to pick up some 25yr caulk at Home Depot and she’s been in the bathroom getting ready for hours.
Autocorrect changed “Put Bacitracin on it” to “Put bacon on it”.
Fine, we’ll try that.
therapist: these people who think you’re “funny” *takes off his glasses* are they in the room with us right now?
Turns out that when asked which was my favourite of all the X-Men that “Caitlyn Jenner” was not a valid answer.
6YO: Mom, I accidentally hit my sister in the head with my light saber
Me: Why are you —
8YO: MOM!! He hit me in the head with the light saber!!
6YO: I already told her, it’s over
Happy 3 year anniversary to working in a coffee shop at 6AM and my first customer was this lady in a fox costume on her way to surprise chase her daughter, who was afraid of mascots, down the street in Chicago