Millipede Parent: This little piggy went to market…
*ten years later* …and this little piggy went weee all the way home.
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*me, at the bank, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my 12 dollars lives
I hope someday you’ll find it in your heart to murder me.
“I am ahead of lettuce”
[I am fleeing from a terrible monster; a vegetable no human can hope to overcome]“I am a head of lettuce”
[I have become the monster; that which I once strove to destroy]
“Can I get a umm…”
-every person ever at the drive thru
Because of Gwen Stefani I can spell bananas so I wish she’d write a song where she spells restaurant.
i’m left-handed but sometimes i like to switch hands and do things with my right hand just to see what it’s like to work like a robot
Sometimes you just have to throw away a few sheets of perfectly good printer paper so it can hide all the candy wrappers in your trash can.
if u watch thamksgiving backwards its about a angry family yeling at each other then the uncle says something racist and everyone calms down
I didn’t hit him with my car…
I massaged him with my wheels.
Drawing faces on light bulbs so a face finally lights up when I walk in a room.
I was only mildly famous in the ’90s but vaccinate your kids
I bet the best part of being in your 70s is you get to drive through buildings and people just say “oh he must’ve hit the gas instead of the brakes” and that’s it
ME: How are you?
“I can’t complain”
ME: Maybe you’re not trying hard enough
Just once i’d like to see a chicken picking out a rotisserie person
Blood is thicker than water, but rhinoceros poop is thicker than blood, so..
I don’t care what color or creed you are. Or what your religion is. Do not eat my work sandwich.
I *just* got the angel food cake in the oven. It took forever to peel all those angels.
I got banged so hard today I’m still walking funny.
Sure it was my head vs the door of my vehicle but I’m still counting it.
you cannot hurt me. you are not a hip height table corner
I need you to fill my water bowl but I’m also going to stand directly in your path and trip you 7 times before you can get to the sink.
– Dogs
The 4 Secrets to Succeeding in Business:
– Don’t get mauled to death by a lion
– Don’t get mauled to death by a shark
– Don’t get mauled to death by a bear
– Don’t get mauled to death by a wolf(You can’t succeed in business if you’ve been mauled to death by an animal)
[in car]
Wife: Dont tell ur arm story
Me: Im gonna stick to humorous stories 2nite babe
*at party*
AND THAT’S WHEN MY HUMOROUS BROKE IN HALF
[SCIENCE FAIR]
ME: It’s a Pez dispenser, but for hot Pop-Tarts.
PRINCIPAL: This fair is for kids.
OTHER PARENT: Shut up, let him finish.
[spider walking into first spin class] What’s the deal with the bikes?
The great songs ask the eternal questions: Where have all the flowers gone? How can you mend a broken heart? Who let the dogs out?
Whoever invented crustless pot pie clearly didn’t know why people eat pot pie.
Trains are just sideway elevators.
I miss the good old days, when more people were catapulted.
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
Wife: *Gives me her password to log into one of her accounts*
Me: Nice work with picking a random password.
Wife: It’s our anniversary.