Local Thai place no longer suffering fools
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A News Reporter just described someone as “Healthy as a Bus”.
Yeah….I don’t know either.
i’m gonna start paying to get trapped in an escape room just for an hour of alone time
my mom texts me money bag emojis when i forget to pay her just like the mob.
First Obama came for my guns. Then he came for my knives. Then he came for my dinette set. Then he redecorated the whole place. It’s lovely.
This toddler in line behind me at Target is a fantastic dancer and it’s really starting to piss me off.
[first day as a preschool teacher]
ME: *sets up road cones around the construction paper*
My child is sniffing a bruise on his arm to figure out how badly it hurts.
me: my father shall hear of this
them: is he powerful and wealthy?
me: no we’re just close
I’m no political expert, but as far as I can tell the Republican strategy seems to be:
“oh you think BUSH was terrible?”
Not everything is a competition and I bet I’m better at accepting that then you are!
If I was a pug, nobody would give me funny looks for slobbering in public or eating food off the floor.
People I live with are hiding my shit. The two most effective hiding places to date:
1) out in the open
2) where I last left it
The way to cure your loneliness is to get on out there! But first, be better looking. And stop being yourself, that’s obviously not working.
If I ever have to have heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good
Celebrating President’s Day by not doing anything I promised I would
I have keys on my keychain from the houses I used to live in just in case I’m hungry and in the area.
One nice thing about my kids sleeping so late in the summer is that I save money on breakfast foods because it’s been completely eliminated from their diets.
People who try to beat you when walking into a store. No.
please stop making me feed my video game characters. i shouldn’t have the fact they are living better than me rubbed in my face like this.
* overheard at the bar *
Becky: so what do you do?
Him: I’m a beekeeper
Ecky: you astard!!!!
Getting all my breaking news from Tinder these days.
Red light special: that smug look that you give the driver who was speeding and cut you off then ended up beside you at the red light.
“Oh heyyy youuu. How are YOU doing? How’s your… stuff? I haven’t seen you in… time.”
-I say to the person I don’t remember.
Teach a man to fish and you’ll have a lot more precious time to yourself in a quiet house with no one wanting something every 15 minutes.
*i maintain solid eye contact with my boss, who is in the process of firing me for eating on the job, as i slowly pull out a chalupa from my coat pocket & begin eating it*
me: so you know when you lie on a resume and then you get the job and you’re just like, “I know how to do literally none of this”?
copilot: you’re leaning on the intercom.
Netflix just suggested I get up and walk around before I develop a blood clot.
I asked my doctor if this heavily advertised, extremely ineffective medicine with many frightening side effects might be right for me.
My husband and I made appointments for pedicures and when we got to the salon the person assigned to him is a guy and watching my husband awkwardly try to act like he isn’t enjoying his foot rub is giving me life.
Things I do to annoy my wife
1) Say ‘bless yooou’ in the same intonation as her ‘Atchooo’
2) Sing “Little red corvette… the kind you find in a second-hand store”
3) Bring her an empty plate and say “Oh no, the pasta got too close to the anti-pasta!”
TBC