Have you ever had your kid get out of bed to knock on your door so many times that you found yourself shouting “WE’RE CLOSED! PLEASE COME BACK DURING REGULAR BUSINESS HOURS!”???
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Marriage is 33.7% hiding to eat snacks because you and your spouse are supposed to be on a diet.
I love how girls say that they like a guy with a sense of humour and yet you’ll never find a poster of Mr Bean on their wall.
*looks over shoulder*
*puts tiny piece of paper in trash*Wife (from upstairs): THAT CAN BE RECYCLED!!!
Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?
have we checked all food to see if exploding them makes them into something better or did we just stop with corn
4: I’M GONNA RIP YOUR EYEBALLS OUT
Me: Stop yelling violent things
4: *whispers* I’m gonna rip your eyeballs out
what if plants could talk but they are still in shock from seeing the dinosaurs
why are there sports bars but not cute bars where u can sip wine and cheer for competitive cooking shows?
Han: *approaches Endor in a shuttle*
Imperial officer: What’s the password?
Han: It’s “password.”
Vader: We should really change that.
I’m in shock. I caught my houseghost naked… ironing his sheet.
The great thing about having a mouse in your house is that I’m sure it’s just the one mouse probably.
6-year-old: Why do I have to share a room?
Me: It could be worse. Harry Potter slept in a cupboard under the stairs.
6: Yeah. By himself.
scrooge: who are you
ghost: i’m the ghost of christmas present
scrooge: so santa claus
ghost: NOT THAT KIND OF PRESENT
[best read with a French accent]
“I am so very sorry sir, without a reservation, there is simply nothing I can do for you.”
Never trust a man wearing more than 0 necklaces
[interview]
“Any special talents?”
I can unlock any fingerprint reader
“By hacking?”
[flashes back to hacking off victims’ fingers] Yes
My wife is browsing at Michaels and I’m doing this
The fact that the overhead camera in front of my office is fake doesn’t stop me from giving it the finger on the way out every day.
Thank goodness my food comes pre-murdered. I don’t know if I could do that.
Real men don’t need guns. One time I beat a burglar to death with a sleeve of Ritz crackers and used the crumblings for a casserole crust.
9: What are you going to be for Halloween dad?
me: Drunk
9: What’s mom gonna be?
me: Mad
(my very first day as President)
Alright folks here’s the deal, we’re gonna turn the volume of motorcycles down a skosh
I love my sister now but when we were young I would have traded her for a bag of chips and a soda
Officer- I’m giving you a ticket for your speed
Me- That’s heroin
Officer-…
Me- Want some?
Officer-…
Me- Oooh, shiny handcuffs
[Toothpaste Laboratory]
Dentist 1: Yes
Dentist 2: Yes
Dentist 3: Yes
Dentist 4: Yes
Dentist 5: Not so fast…
Just because I am an Italian American doesn’t mean my family is in the mob….
It means we used to be.
If dogs can eat raw chicken, so can I.
– dead people
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of enjoying coffee in the morning you can braid hair while I pack lunches and we can all be late.
I ran a whole 5K and didn’t even eradicate cancer
Can’t speak for all women but generally I’ll just keep nagging until you agree with me, sometimes even after that. You know, for sport.