*walks into confessional, closes door and sits down*
Me: Alright. Look alive over there, Father, I’ve had a pretty wild week…
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(unless you have a dachshund puppy) it’s important to leave the house sometimes (because it’s the only way you’ll see a dachshund puppy)
I once had a boyfriend cheat on me with my best friend but that pales in comparison to the betrayal I feel when an Amazon ‘Get it by tomorrow’ order arrives two days late
Reduce your kids intake of sugary, fizzy drinks by shaking up the can before handing it to them.
How is the medicine expired already? I only bought it *checks notes* 9 years ago.
Ok so for next Halloween ill be mozart.
“I’ll be beethoven!”
Yeah okay, calm down sally. So Mr. Terminator who will you be?“I’LL BE BACH.”
When a Nokia phone warns you about low battery, you have at least 1 month to find where the charger is lying in your house.
Is my bath bomb supposed to be ticking?
mom: you’re grounded
me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me
[20 years later]
amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm
People who pronounce didn’t as.”dih-in’t” please doh-on’t.
I saw a younger couple walking and holding hands today and it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka.
When people shorten words for no reason it makes me want to commit murds.
Wife: We should go camping
Me: Yay
*waits til wife is gone to tell kids the Blair Witch Project plot. Camping trip turns into visit to NYC*
My friend was going on about how too much of anything is bad, so I said that must include talking and hung up the call
Top 3 things that cause my 10yo the most fear and trepidation:
3. Oversized sharks
2. Rooms with large spiders in them
1. Being served a burger with mayonnaise on it
I love when the GrubHub delivery drivers try to look sexy in their profile pics… Like, I don’t know what you think is going to happen, but I’ll be honest, I want my pizza far more than I’ll ever want you.
I like to move it.
But not move it move it.
Just the one move it.
If you’re reading this message then something has gone wrong with my experiment and I apologize for what is about to happen to the eggs in your fridge
[stargazing]
“It’s amazing the activity you can pick up with a decent telescope [lowers kaleidoscope] absolutely amazing.”
ME: I’m just like you I put my pants on one leg at a time
HR: but what if you did it before getting to the office
Wow, the Fire Marshall really has no sense of humor these days.
A watched pot never boils but a pot left unattended burns. So you see my dilemma.
Welcome to your late 40s. You now have car glasses, office glasses, living room glasses, and bedroom glasses.
Every time someone tells you they are a vegan an angel eats a dog.
I text my husband approximately 35 times per day with a rate of about 1 response per 5 texts.
Husband, after I put my phone down for 3 minutes and one “Hi” text from him goes unanswered:
HELLOOOOOOOOOO WHERE ARE YOU?!!??! HELLOOOOOOOOOO ARE YOU OK
It takes a keen ear to pick out a girl’s “I haven’t finished but I know you’re about to, so I’ll try to be supportive” moan.
Him: so you like bad boys?
Me: of course not
Him: oh. but your tinder profile sa-
Me: -wait just a minute [my dog leaves the room] ok he’s gone. no that was a lie, I totally do
“Welcome to D.A.D.D.D.S. Dads Against Dads Doing Dumb Shit. Repeat after me.”
[whole room] “AFTER ME”
“Ok fellas, lets start here”
My doctor said I look pretty & I am taking that as her professional medical opinion no take backsies
Some apples don’t fall far from the tree, BUT other apples catch a good roll and keep rolling…and rolling…and rolling..