If you’re looking for someone to mute the National Geographics channel and narrate the animals thoughts, look no further.
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Be the reason someone prefers the company of animals.
Movie idea: Family moves into haunted house; ghosts appear; family too busy staring at phones to notice; ghosts leave in disgust.
friend: what day is it today
me: it’s mar 10
friend: like mario!
me: itsa mar 10
luke: yoda, i wish for…….. your freedom
yoda: i’m not a genie. i’m a person like you. i just look really weird
ON TWITTER FOR TEN MINUTES: aw sweet, there’s so many smart funny people here
ON TWITTER FOR AN HOUR: my life is now dedicated to vengeance on PatriotMike24396857
Mystery novels gave me unrealistic expectations of how often murders would be committed by butlers
Pain medication got me itching to operate heavy machinery in the dark
asked my mom about this guy Ben in my hometown and she said “no one cares about that Ben anymore, there’s a hotter Ben now”
My parents watched my toddler for an hour today. When we got back they filled us in on the tantrum filled nightmare they’d just experienced, then hugged each other in solidarity and said “thank god we don’t do that every day”
Moments like these are when I ask for money.
gas pump: see attendant
me: looks like i no longer need gas
Life hack: If you throw an old toilet and some spare tires in your front lawn, legally you don’t have to mow it
A local man died after a shelf full of routers fell on him.
It was an unexpected LAN slide.
my perfume shop will have selections like eau de fresh bread, eau de sizzling bacon or eau de piping hot coffee
*watches movie*
*sees a scene with full frontal male nudity*
*pauses for three months*
[god creating hotdogs]
inflate that worm
A horror film, but it’s just a dad who accidentally locked himself out of the house, and now he’s peering through the window at his toddler alone with a sharpie.
[uses 225 gallons of water to clean out peanut butter jar for recycling]
I think Jesus would have killed it at water skiing
Ok, don’t let them know you’re a puma
Interviewer: We’re very impressed! You’ve got the job!
“REALLY!?! I’M SO HAPPY I JUST PUMA PANTS”
Fed the cat dog food and suddenly she’s barking at the mail man.
My youngest is like a dog
She can spot a bad personality from a mile away and she also may bite you
*Roommate recording a lullaby album in his room*
*me banging on his door* HEY!! Can you sing a little louder?? I’m trying to sleep!!
My daughter wants a smart car for her 16th birthday. She thinks it will do her geometry homework.
Jesus: [walking past a pond]
[A herd of hungry ducks begins waddling behind him]
Jesus: [starts walking faster]
Me: Unhand me you scoundrel!
Masseuse: Please stop saying that
Women love when their boots go Click Clack because it reminds them of horses, from which women evolved.
Growing up was certainly the stupidest idea I had as a child.
Relationship status: my husband bought a ukulele
Boys will tell you “wow you sound like an Angel” and you’ll be blushing like werey. Instead of asking him when he don hear Angel voice before