At a wedding during the vows, the little flower girl yells out “When is this over?”
She gets it..
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Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
Why don’t we raise more chickens that lay Cadbury Creme Eggs so we can have them year-round?
My boss, Mr Yogurtson, just reprimanded me for not eating yogurt in a meeting
Serious question: how long should your hug with the pizza delivery guy last? I don’t want things to get creepy.
If only
Do you like long lines, mass transit and sweaty white people?
Ask your doctor if a Disney trip is right for you.
I heard you like bad girls. Well I’m bad. At everything. Winks at you with both eyes.
I’m not a regular Mom.
I’m a “YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR VIDEO GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!” Mom.
Once, I got pulled over because a cop thought my car was on fire but really it was just my hair flying out the sunroof.
I just want to be rich enough to donate enough money to have a wing at the mental hospital named after me
people flirting in your comments are like bats writing love notes to eachother in the smoke of your dumpster fire
Since it’s hunting season, we are allowed to shoot the cars with the antlers on them, right?
Person 1: hey did you go see the new Holy Infant?
Person 2: I did
Person 1: what’s he like?
Person 2: so tender and mild
Person 1: what
I finally had to tell the dog he was adopted.
If I had Pokemon, I’d pretend to understand them. They’d go “Bulba bulbaaasaur” and I’d be like “What do u mean Hitler did nothing wrong?”
Welcome back to Taco Addicts Anonymous. Congratulations everyone here on stayin clean for 4 months and-
[loud crunch noise in back of room]
3: Mommy, I love you. You’re the best mommy in the world. I wish I had a mom just like you.
Me:
Just heard a little boy call his mom “mother,” as if both had already accepted the fact that he’d become a serial killer some day.
[American TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll have 184 episodes over 8 years and possibly 3 spin-offs.[British TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll run for 63 years. There will be one episode a year. Some years there won’t be any. Alternatively we can do 8 episodes right now then never mention it again.
My girlfriend told me once that I need to be more affectionate. Now I have two girlfriends.
the fire alarm is to warn the fire that the fire department is coming
Comments like this are why we can’t have nice things
I’m not crazy, I’m just mentally spicy.
[baby pushes food away as I try feeding it]
Fine. Die.
*ex-Olive Garden server shoveling dirt into a fresh grave*
Tell me when.
If you have to ask me if I want more cheese I’m just gonna assume you were dropped on your head as an adult.
friend: don’t worry so much
me: omg why what will happen
Who called it a psychic reading instead of prophet sharing?
3: mommy! Come look, I made a water fall
Me: oh dear god
God gives everyone a hot cousin to test us.