where there’s a-weem there’s a-weh
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I’ve carefully avoided a running injury all these years by never running.
I saw a guy drink a coke in the store and pay for it later, but I’d barely gotten the cork out of this wine bottle before the manager confronted me.
A random lady complimented me on my dress and said how lovely it looked on me
So I did what any reasonable person would do
Walked into a lamp post and fell over
I’m quitting modelling, I need more job security so I’m going to become a princess.
you play enough angry birds and you realize: the angry bird is you.
Noah: A boat?
God: Yes.
Noah: Two of every animal?
God: Yes.
Noah: I have a better idea.
God: What.
Noah: Maybe don’t kill everyone.
[restaurant]
waiter: welcome, have you dined here with us before?
me: no but I know how to order food
Just push go and let’s see what happens. Really, don’t worry I’ll go next. *Famous last words…
God I hate condescending assholes!
(Condescending is like when smart people talk down to you to try and make you feel stupid)
Find someone who will worry about you like the way my Amazon delivery guy does when I don’t order anything in more than two days
Everyone has that psycho ex we pray we’ll never run into again. If you don’t you’re probably it.
The only time I’ll care about Basketball:
I saw the best minds of my generation rattling in pickle jars in formaldehyde as the cops beat down the door into my basement.
“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do Cowboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a cow and a boy love each other very, very much…”
[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!
[me as a mechanic]
*wiping hands with a greasy rag* Yep, it’s haunted.
Customer: It’s-
Me: Haunted.
tried adderrall to help my productivity but now I’m just intensely aware of all the things I should be doing
Feels
My kid told me the book we were reading was fiction, and the reason he knows that is because dragons don’t eat tacos, they eat meat
Can you teach a self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house?
Me to waiter: “I’m eating for 2.”
Waiter: “Oh, you’re pregnant?”
Me: “No, my sister was supposed to meet me here, but she can’t make it.”
If you are reading this then you are reading this
Apparently in my absence my husband has hung cat-level wall art. So sophisticated 🧐
If you don’t agree with someone’s religious beliefs, just dance really hard in front of them like they did in Footloose and they’ll absolutely change their minds
The Man-whisperer. My dog at 6am.
*getting murdered* omg stop you can get in a lot of trouble for this.
If you ever see a get rich quick scheme, that’s someone else trying to get rich quick off you.
Heroic fire saves man from having horrible house
Born on February 29th of a leap year, I can’t legally drink till I’m 84.