My greatest fear is that I’ll somehow get involved in a rumble between two rival gangs and my ability to snap fingers on cue will fail me
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next time you are washing your hands next to somebody…
cup your hands together until the water overflows.
then look at them and say:
This water is getting out of hand
Of course I’m gonna miss my husband when he goes away for the weekend in 45 hours 23 minutes and….*checks watch*….27 seconds
The corner of this table hurt me and made me cry, so now we’re dating
does any one know where i could find some Unsolicited advice? preferably from people with weird personality disorders who dont know anything
I still say a wasp’s nest chucked through the window would be the ideal way to end any hostage situation. Nobody’s hanging around in there.
If you can’t stand me at my worst then WAIT COME BACK HERE WHERE ARE YOU GOING
Him: Are you eating cake for breakfast again?
Me: [mouth full] It’s got eggs in it.
Who called it oatmeal-raisin instead of a misfortune cookie?
Thanks to everyone who said nothing while I walked around with my zipper down all morning.
[dog people] here’s my angel Rex! he knows 19 tricks & brings me my slippers every morning!
[cat people] this is Princess Murder who lets me live with her.she pees on everything i love. her interests include screaming & eating bugs. when she asks me to kill for her i will say yes
cant be in the office one more moment, I have a moral, legal and biological obligation to be in front of a roaring fire going honk-shooo honk-shoo mimimimi
“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
Seeing men with their noses sticking out over their masks makes me hope I never see how they wear swim trunks.
me (hungover):
Why do I have a photo of me with a fire hydrant?wife:
Because last night you wanted a picture with R2D2.
#SomethingYouDontWantToHear
Oops. The surgery went well but…..
In order to save money I installed a sound chip into my wallet. Now when it opens it plays a song by Creed so I quickly have to close it.
inventor of shirts: sleeves are awesome
inventor of vests: disagree
inventor of turtlenecks: there should be three of them
her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because of my obsession with emo rock bands
her: no it’s because of the weird chemistry fanfics that you keep writing
me: i knew it! you hate my chemical romance
I miss payphones. Sometimes you just wanna say hello to someone and also get hepatitis.
Just overheard someone describe their hike as “it was like mountain climbing, but flat”
Kanye West tweeted that Bill Cosby is innocent?
This is the last straw.
He just lost my vote in 2020.
I can’t divorce my husband right now. I just ordered a new cabinet from Ikea.
Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No. I’m getting everything like an easter egg hunt, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.
I bought a toilet seat from Amazon and now they keep sending me emails asking if I’m interested in buying a toilet seat like I’ve got like 20 toilets in the mansion I don’t live in.
The amount of time you spend cleaning your house before a friend comes over is inversely proportional to the quality of that friendship.
In our house the answer to 🎶who let the dogs out?🎶 is always the toddler at 4am when we’re all alseep because she thinks it’s funny
I’m like Harvard. Hard to get into, but once you’re in, everyone is super impressed.
Melania Trump doesn’t want to live in the same place as her husband.
More than half of America feels the same way.
wife:Gotta go. You guys gonna be ok?
me [making my Pop-Tart pop out of the toaster and trying to catch it] Come on!
wife:9, you’re in charge
I’m fat but also mysterious *disappears in cloud of biscuits