“WHY ARE YOU RIPPING OUT ALL OF YOUR FUR?!!”
-my dog, when I wax
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If by free thinker you mean nobody has given me a penny for my thoughts then yeah, I’m a free thinker.
Wait, Australia is 14 hours ahead of America? Thanks for the 9/11 warning!
Not fat, but not super thin either. I’m more like…what’s the word? Oh, I know. Terrifying.
Don’t know if it’s the cape, the boom box or the telescope, but it’s getting so a guy can’t even bbq on his roof without attracting attention.
If you listen to 3 or more Sheryl Crow songs, that’s a murder
80% of adulthood is trying to figure out what upset your stomach.
me: my father fought in the war
her: which one?
me: I’ve only got one dad
Our family motto is “Who took my phone charger?”
[Someone is rude to me]
ME: “Oh well.”[Someone is rude to my friend]
ME: *frantically googling for spells that turn people into crabs*
Me: Table for four, please. And can we get some crayons?
Her: Will there be children dining today?
Me: No. The crayons are for me.
Our parenting style can best be described as:
Bad cop,
Bozo cop
I used to think the cat was dumb for staring out the window, waiting for birds, but I’d probably stare too, if occasionally a pizza flew by.
I told my wife the laundry on the couch ain’t gonna fold itself so if y’all don’t hear from me later she probably folded me like an omelet.
Keeping up with the Kardashians is exhausting tbh.
I always say “I was wondering when you’d find me” when I get in my car. That way if someone’s ever in the backseat I’ll look cool as shit.
If a group of necrophiliacs ran into group of zombies…who would do the chasing?
Oh, I went there…;)
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: solving equations
professor 3: wow
10 likes this girl so I’m going to teach him everything I know about women long story short we’re getting our bikes to ride around her house
Bully: Give me your lunch money
Me (clutching my lunch sack against my body): My name isn’t Money
I’m exceptionally skilled at accomplishing absolutely nothing while screwing something up, therefore accomplishing less than zilch.
when i met him, i should’ve recognized the red flags because he immediately wanted to move in with me. 11 months later he still has no job or money and i can’t do anything without him watching my every move.
like, i know he’s my son but he’s gotta get it together.
Never ask a woman her age,
Never ask a man His salary
and Never ask
The British Museum how they got so many artifacts.
I lost my virginity once, I know I can do it again.
When I laugh on my period
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I tell her there’re no throw pillows in heaven.
I tell my toddler she needs to put her own toys away so she’s started giving me all the toys she has out as ‘presents’ just before it’s time to tidy up and I can’t even be mad coz that’s genius
Someone you know may commit a crime today. If carefully managed, you can add in some of your own stuff.
insane our parents had to make multiple bad decisions to go bankrupt, we just have to get in an ambulance one time