A boy at school tells me I’m looking like a snack. I plead with him to take it back, but it is too late. My teachers huddle around me with a bloodthirsty look in their eyes.
“D I D Y O U B R I N G E N O U G H
T O S H A R E”
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My daughter has a middle school government test today. So I figured the best way to help her study was to weave the material into our convo when she complained this am
When I get my tax refund I’m gonna mess around and buy the whole 18 pack of eggs.
“super-crunchy” is now a peanut butter you can buy at the store. the new innovation is we stopped making the crunchy peanut butter early
I’m a highly motivated procrastinator.
A group of eavesdroppers is called a heard.
Slut: desirable woman who has sex with someone other than yourself.
*joins Buddhist monastery*
*withstands 21 years of brutal kung-fu training*
So, vending machine that didn’t drop my funyuns. We meet again.
I enjoy the freedom of speech because if you let crazy people talk, they’ll totally tell you they’re crazy.
Rest in peace. That doesn’t sound that bad. It’s not like you die and then you have to run a marathon
“Let there be one more blade!”-Gillette marketing concepts.
eating all the chips in my house so that I won’t be tempted to eat all the chips
Girl, yo grammatical atrocities so huge, you need typosuction.
Stages of going to bed:
1. I won’t stay up too late.
2. Oh no.
Friend: Our backstories shape us, but don’t define us
Me: Like Spanx
date: you look nice
me: well you look very [peeks at thesaurus under the table]…ornate
[blind date]
Her: Where’s your ink? Your profile said you had a sleeve.
Me: *pulls out sleeve of girl scout cookies*
HITMAN: Your husband’s sleeping with the fishes
MERMAID: I know, that’s why I want him killed
I saw some martial arts guy on TV do one of those spinning kick things and, honestly, it looked pretty easy.
What I’m trying to say is I need an ambulance.
Me: This is a beautiful flower arrangement
Host: That’s a salad.
I love that sexy thing you do, what’s it called again? Oh yeah, me.
coworker: you’re 37? you look younger
me: i let a demon possess me in exchange for external youth
coworker: ha ha *leaves*
demon inside me: you gotta stop saying that someone’s gonna believe you
me: meh. i’m going to the break room for a donut
demon: ooo get a maple bar
her: i like a guy that can last long 😉
me, a piece of flavored gum: shit
It’s so dumb to be on this app, why do I have a diary where people can yell at me
The only time my wife will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground
If Natalie Portman dated Jacques Cousteau they would win celebrity couple nicknaming forever with “Portmanteau.”
Brain: What day of the week did the 1st calendar day ever fall on? Do the math!
Me: Seriously?! It’s 2AM and I’m leading a meeting tomorrow
wife & I just overheard the kids talking about how they’ll decorate the house after we die, so I guess we’re sleeping in shifts from now on
Five drunk guys will start a FIGHT.
But five stoned guys will start a BAND!
Successful parenting is all about having a schedule. Feel free to use mine:
8am: breakfast
8:30am-6pm: beg my kid to take a nap
6:30pm: dinner
7-9pm: beg my kid to go to sleep
Showing that you can fit your fist in your mouth on the first date is only sexy if you can get it back out afterwards