Me: *seeing a used condom on my lawn* This is disgusting!
Neighbor: OMG STOP TASTING IT
You Might Also Like
Me: thanks for the invite but I’m really not much of a partier haha
Friend: it’s a search party for my missing wife
people who ask you to take your shoes off before you come inside just want to use your socks to clean their floors as you walk. don’t fall for their trap. don’t be a mop.
“But you can’t—“
“Shhh. Hush, my love. It pains me as much as it does you. We burned so hot and so bright, but in the end, we knew this day would come. Look at you and look at me. Our religions forbid this.”
My son cried yesterday because:
– he “doesn’t want to carry two things” (school bag and lunch bag)
– i pushed the button on the elevator and he wanted to do it
– his nanny said hello and he’s “too tired to greet”
– didn’t like the shirt he was wearing anymore
– wanted to write M
My little dog: *knocks garbage can over in kitchen, walks by me with pizza crust hanging out of his mouth like a cigar*
Me: Hey, don’t assume I’m dying alone. I might find someone, you don’t know.
Waiter: I asked if you were dining alone.
Me: Oh, sorry. Yes.
[lifts $1000 apple watch to my face]
Wrist computer: show me where hot dogs are.
I saw a dad peeing at a urinal while holding his kid on his shoulders and I was so in awe of his dad skills I just gave him my kid to raise. He’s better off now.
date: I come from old money
me: *waving around a quarter from 1955* this doing anything for you
I enjoy driving because it combines my desire to sit with my talent for being angry.
*kidnapper calls to make his demands but my kid keeps interrupting him to ask if he wants to see his fidget spinner*
We never got the wreath, but we put up the hanger. This shows intent.
I don’t worry that I’ll turn into my mother because I’ve already turned into my grandmother.
to the lifeguard saving me: how long can you hold your breath
me: I’m going to build a time machine
him: *eating the last donut* what you gonna use it for
me: *eating the last donut* righting wrongs
Considered selling feet and/or leg pics but then I realized I’d have to actually shave and ain’t nobody got time for that
I got hot wax at the car wash and now the vehicle is hairless.
a squirrel buries a nut in my backyard. I think im going to dig it up & replace it with a grilled cheese sandwich, blow its freaking mind!
I’ve been pretending to know what “zeitgeist” means for a really long time now.
Lifeguard: SHARK! GET OUT OF THE WATER
Me: [Remembers 150 people are killed by falling coconuts every year & only 5 from shark attacks] ..No
Every parent who has picked up a toddler and taken them away from a playground while they kick and scream and cry is legally allowed to put “bouncer” on their resume’s work history.
To spice things up in the bedroom, I have my wife dress up as a pizza boy. Then, I have her put the pizza on the counter and then leave.
God: …and another of the seven deadly sins is sloth.
Sloths: bro
Where did you come from, where did you go?
Where did you come from
I’m smoking, skyping, putting on makeup, tweeting and I haven’t spilled 1 drop of my beer. I’m the best driver ever.
If you don’t open your mouth while putting on mascara, you die.
Don’t bore a girl by saying she’s beautiful, like every other shallow creep
Grab her interest by saving her from a staged hostage situation
I find a hole in one of my socks and think “alright, let’s put it back in the drawer and see if it heals.”
i am about to burn down everything cryptocurrency related
1) Put index and thumb together.
2) Place them where nose meets forehead.
3) Close eyes.
4) Sigh.
5) Check to see if person still talking.