Public transportation is great but they should invent a type where it’s only me in the vehicle
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[pronounces modeling like yodeling]
[first time paying taxes]
me: how much do I owe?
irs: 🙂
me: am I supposed to guess?
irs: :)))
me: what if I guess wrong?
irs: :))))))))))))))))))
the hamster has finally figured out her wheel. is it possible for her to exercise too much? should I take the wheel out sometimes? I’m worried she’s about to start a fitness instagram
If you’re trying to lose weight but you’re starving, eat a banana. I’ve had 73 of them today
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day but teach a man to phish and he will steal your social security # so click here to verify your account.
Whittling a shank in a meeting sends the message that it’s time to wrap things up.
i hated what my teen was wearing today so i told him i loved it and it looked “dripping bruh”. he changed. follow me for more parenting advice
You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.
I love how Simba acts upset when Mufasa dies as if he didn’t just do a choreographed musical number called “I Just Can’t Wait To Be King”.
[Bending down with my hands on my knees]
“Where is your mother?”
~ me to anyone under the age of 30
Hogwarts – a magical school or a pig venereal disease? Inquiring minds wanna know
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no thanks
Extremely suspicious that there’s no information about brains that didn’t come from a brain
[high seas]
FIRST MATE: The men be ready to attack
PIRATE: Arr!
FIRST MATE: Oh sorry…the men “are” ready to attack
If anyone asks I got this cardigan from a vending machine
“Come out of your shell” they said.
*2 minutes later*
“Back in the shell… BACK IN THE SHELL!!!”
My kids asked me what people were protesting about on tv so I had to sit them down and very carefully explain that people are still angry about the horrible Mother’s Day gift they bought me.
TRUTHFUL TUESDAY:
When my son was 7 he pissed me off so badly I pressed all the elevator buttons knowing every new rider would blame him.
Waiter: how were your steak and eggs
Me: just okay
Waiter: oh no
Me: you could say they were
Waiter: please no
Me: *sips mimosa* meaty yoker
The trick to doing crimes is to wait until after 5pm when all the police have gone home for the day
I was rudely awakened by my wife’s snoring and she had the nerve to get mad because I started howling at the moon.
I just let a raccoon loose in my kitchen just so I’d have something to do tomorrow.
Every time I go to the grocery store my husband asks what I’m going to buy. What does he think I’m going to buy, a tiger?
My boyfriend took me to dinner and insisted I order my food in a robot voice, so I took him to bed and insisted he make Chewbacca noises.
[god inventing cupcakes]
God: they’re basically cakes but way smaller
Angel: ah I see, portion contr-
God: and then you just eat like 90 of em
Never use profanity. Unless you live on the East Coast. Where it is considered punctuation and shit.
“Don’t look a gift horse in the mouth,” I whisper as I discover my strange mole is actually a half melted chocolate chip.
So honored that @funTweeters chose one of my tweets! I absolutely love that site! #FF
Urban Dictionary: Helping white folks figure out if they’re getting insulted or complimented daily.
“Why do birds suddenly appear?”
To shit on my newly washed car, that’s why.