Her: Even if I was trapped on a desert island with you, I still wouldn’t have sex with you.
Me: You’re thinking about sex in that situation? What is wrong with you? WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO FOR FOOD, BRENDA?
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AVI – Pretty girlMe: Okay, I can work with this.
I always strip to the waist when I quit a job.
Maybe the wolf from The Neverending Story still has nightmares about me, too.
How do I get Instacart to stop assigning dudes under 30 to my orders? Chad just earnestly queried whether I’d like him to replace my out-of-stock tampons with adult diapers.
My neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the crazy naked lady and I’m the only one not invited. Weird.
Please keep your dogs and your children quiet the morning of July 5th. I’ll be up all night setting off fireworks and will need to catch up on my rest.
After spending the last week stealing cars and killing people I just found out GTA had missions.
Me: ooh baby do you know what that’s worth
Congregation: oooh heaven is a place on earth
Bishop: no
Eating chips and watching TV annoys me because of the loud crunching noise. Then I realize I’m eating chips and watching TV and I’m not annoyed anymore.
Bitcoin. Toothurt.
I’m convinced that anytime you call customer service they check your twitter to see if you have enough followers to bash them before they do anything for you
Co-worker: What’s the difference between astronomy & astrology?
Me: Approximately 50-60 IQ points.
I asked my kid what kind of animal he’d be, and he said he’d be a bird so he could fly to the North Pole, kill Santa, take over, and make all the elves his slaves. They’re just precious at 8.
*sadly removes MY KID IS AN HONOR STUDENT bumper sticker and replaces it with MY KID SUCKS AT FORTNITE*
A married woman hit on me today and it was the most uncomfortable and awkward moment I’ve ever had with my wife.
One time I was teaching a guy how to use the stump grinder and he said no worries it’s just a machine they pretty much all run the same. And I was like wow that’s a great point I really admire that. And then he ran it through a shed
The secret to sustaining a happy marriage is to keep the mystery alive. So tonight I decided to clean something unexpectedly.
Maybe naming my new hippie themed bar Free Spirits was a bit misleading. Lesson learned.
Jesus: Honor my sacrifice by refusing meat on all holy days and each Friday.
John the fisherman: *slides Jesus $20*
Jesus: Also, Fish isn’t meat.
Me: *trying to handle work crisis before I’m fully awake, phone binging with apology texts from various people*
Person on phone: I’m so sorry this landed in your lap. I missed it. They missed it. We all missed it. Now it’s your problem and…Are you…did you just…growl at me?
*pours one out for my dad on Father’s Day*
*my dad’s ghost yells at me for wasting good vodka*
Took the kids to the beach and I now I need to know if I drive the sand back myself or if someone will come pick it up from me
By age 35 you should have a drawer in your house filled with random items. That way, when you can’t find something, you’ll just check the junk drawer. And boom, just like that, you won’t find it there either.
*pointing at a mothers shrieking baby* is this guy bothering you?
I’m Asian. We literally have no wrinkles until we wake up one day with the jowls of a Saint Bernard.
and on the 6th day god created coffee so thee would not commit murder or some shit like that. amen.
You can just start calling yourself an olympic hopeful. You don’t have to fill out a form or anything.
I wear a stethoscope so that in a medical emergency I can teach people a valuable lesson about assumptions.
urinal cakes? what’s next? urinal muffins and cookies? urinal brownies? urinal tarts? an entire unexplored world out there