4 out of 5 dentists recommend Trident sugarless gum. The 5th dentist is busy butchering protected wildlife.
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daughter: can i keep the night light on?
me: and provide the monsters with a beacon to your location? use your head, sweetie
There’s nothing I’ve learned from being a father that I couldn’t just as easily have figured out from setting all my money on fire.
I drove past the prison and saw a small man climbing down a wall.
I thought, well that’s a little condescending.
I’d like to thank the municipal snow plow for recreating the wall from Game of Thrones at the end of my driveway
Him: I love you, you smart, gorgeous woman.
Me: *Picks bug off of him and eats it*
I have no fear of my family pulling the plug on me if I ever go on life support because I know how much they love wasting electricity
I’m a simple woman. I don’t need fancy things like jewelry or sanity to be happy.
Killers in crime shows think they can cover up strangling people but the coronor is always inevitably like “his neck was snapped in a way that was inconsistent with a heart attack”
[at dinner]
Me: *rubbing sugar on my gums*
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: I dunno…saw some cool guy doing it in the bathroom
Me to my worm gf: cmon babe we’re going fishing
“Why the hell wooden I be?”
– Pinocchio
“Dad! Mom wants to trade with me in Monopoly! I need you to help me negotiate a good deal!”
– My 11yo, about to find out the hard way that the only thing I can negotiate with my wife in Monopoly is my own quick demise
Your password must include 5 minutes of interpretive dance, 15 excerpts from contemporary fiction and 1 word made up by Shakespeare.
The problem with teaching a man to fish is that eventually somebody will microwave that fish in the work break room.
What am I doing with the rest of my life?
I don’t even know what I’m doing with the rest of this tweet…
if aliens attack we will probably be fine unless they realize how easily we are influenced by traffic cones
friend: I have a theory that the center of the Earth will cool and become solid
me: wow, that’s hardcore
When an object reveals that it has some biological similarities to you don’t get so hung up on that phrasing. To me as in we are alike? To me as in I am its recipient in an exchange? One of your aloof scientist deadpan friends has started to freak out about the garage sale.
excuse me, are you gonna finish those fries
me, interrupting a couple fighting
Me: I had a meeting with your teachers. They had a lot of good things to say about you, including that you’re super, super smart.
6-year-old: Wait, wait, go back. How many supers?
Ordinary things that become AMAZING once you’re a parent:
-showers
-sitting down to eat
-drinking coffee while it’s hot
-pooping
No, I am not okay. Facebook just showed me something I posted 10 years ago.
When I’m mad at my husband, I ask him to help me find my phone and then put it in my pocket on silent.
In the Flirtatious Period, the dinosaurs did a hell of a lot of winkin’…
me: they’re just-
wife: don’t say it
me: …
wife: i mean it
me: …
wife: …
me: lion there
I don’t want to alarm anyone but there’s only 365 shopping days left until Christmas
The average person swallows 3 cats on their drive home from work.
*my skills with compliments
5yo: You are a beautiful princess!
Me: And you are a… child.
JUDGE: I order you to pay $10,000 – do you understand?
MARIO:
JUDGE: it’s a fine
MARIO [sadly]: no itsa not
*Runs into bank with gun*
Alright! Everyone put your hands up!
*Tickles everyone*