*window shutter falls off my house* we’re gonna need more command strips.
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[bank robbery]
“Todd, where the hell is the getaway car?”
TODD: *zooming up on a Segway* FOSSIL FUELS ARE RUINING THIS PLANET, GARY
Someone tweeted that they had just baked some synonym buns.
I replied, “Just like the ones grammar used to make?”
Now, I’m blocked.
Jurassic Park taught me not to exploit dinosaur labor.
Studies show that, on average, humans kept in cubicles live just as long as free-range humans.
Just so we’re all clear: NASA is getting a direct feed from a robot on Mars, but I still can’t make a cell phone call from my basement.
welcome to your parents’ house, where the wifi password is fEtbqP2LVp3U6Hkh
Friend: OMG! What happened to your hands?!
Me, thinking about how I burned them pulling a naan apart: oh I was grilling a steak and the flames were out of control.
Do one person every day that scares you.
I can almost always tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs!
Beauty is in the Eye of the:
A) Holder
B) Holder
C) Holder
D) Holder
i shouldn’t be laughing, but i am
Indiana Jones: why does it have to be snakes
Ron Weasley: why does it have to be spiders
me: why does it have to be family get-togethers
Me: I heard Rihanna got food poisoning
Brain: Stop
M: It was
B: No
M: Salmonella ella ella ey ey
B: This is why I can’t do math in your head
Bringing a carrot-and-raisin salad to a potluck is a subtle way to let people know you hate them.
Comcast Cable acquiring Time Warner Cable is a lot like your proctologist acquiring a bigger finger.
Me: Both of our hamsters died and we just can’t part with them
Taxidermist: Would you like them mounted?
Me: Um no, just holding hands
My 8yo just reasoned that I should clean up the mess from her craft project because I was the one who suggested she do the craft project.
Laziness level: expert.
If you wanna go and take a ride with me with three women in the floor with the goat cheese.
JOHN LENNON: Help! I need somebody
ME: okay I’m here what do you ne-
JOHN LENNON: not just anybody
ME: damn wow okay
I’m hitting up real estate open houses for toilet paper because I’m a genius don’t want to brag but I’m very smart
Waiter: How did you find your meal, sir?
Me: Yeah, it was nice.
Waiter: That’s not what I meant and you know it.
Me: Another waiter told me where you hid it.
Waiter: Can I get you a drink and would you like an appetizer?
Me: Woah! What’s with all the questions?
We get it. If your candidate doesn’t win in November, you’re moving to the whitest English speaking country you can drive to.
I sleep with a knife under my pillow just in case someone breaks in my house with cake.
Her: what are you into
Me: pokémon
Her: no i mean what’s your type?
Me: oh, fire
90% of your body is water. 6% is delusion. 4% is lies.
Promised myself that today I wouldn’t steal anything, kill anyone or use any Meatloaf song lyrics in a sentence & two out of three ain’t bad
Obama: The Galaxy Note 7 wasn’t recalled because it was too secure.
Biden: Just let him enjoy my gift, Barack.
Me: Hi, officer. I saw you coming up the driveway.
Cop: (sadly) Your son has been in an accident.
Me: I FLUSHED ALL MY DRUGS FOR THAT?!
[the inventor of corn chips]
What if knives were delicious?