Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: *trying to impress* I love those guys, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’
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[packing for work trip]
“Honey, where is our business ketchup?”
I sexually identify as an avocado.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Oh yes tonight is the nigh-
Too late, I’m over it.
M: there are so many castles for sale in France!
H: but you wouldn’t know anyone there
M: that’s the best selling point there is!
Awesome hanging with yall just real quick can you guys not tag me in the pictures cause a few years ago I accidentally faked my own death
At my funeral, take the bouquet off my coffin and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
*Updates dating profile*
Must be within walking distance due to gas prices.
Client said she needs to “find her zen” during our mediation and I don’t think she knows that mediation and meditation are two diff things.
Im telling you. If you turn around for even one second, your toddler will take a swig of your wine.
oh you like architecture? name three walls
I’m a PROUD bidet user, but it didn’t occur to me how losing power in 0° weather would affect the water temp. I think I just had what could be called a religious experience with that bidet. Like, I saw things.
I’m going to open a camouflage store at the mall and call it
Autocorrect changed ‘flash’ to ‘flask’.
Why yes, I’ll have one flask flood emergency.
I’ve just text my new girlfriend that I’m into all sorts of douchebaggery.
Autocorrect clearly has a different idea on what debauchery is.
the helium shortage is only being made worse by inflation
Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
I hate that teeth require so much specific care, the rest of my bones are so low maintenance
The first person to see a sunset was probably like well this ain’t good.
My neighbor once told me when I straightened my hair I looked like Jennifer Aniston, two days later he was taken away in a straight jacket. I think about that a lot.
I never over sleep in the mornings
I set an alarm, a back up alarm, and a 4yo once those fail
“Hey dude, my eyes are up here, and over here, and over here too.”
-a potato
Have you ever had to call the landlord to ask for some caulk? How would you word that?
The pilgrims ate so much at the first Thanksgiving that they had to unbuckle their hats.
Me: It isn’t Max on the original Mad Max movie poster. It’s his friend Goose
Priest: Would anyone else like to say a few words? Perhaps about the deceased this time?
Her: Why are you videoing that microwave meal?
Me: The instructions say ‘remove packaging and film’
Everyone thinks they won’t be that couple that goes from ‘everything you do is a turn on’ to ‘you’re breathing too loud’ but they will be, oh they will be
Are you there Santa?
It’s me, Midge
Happening now: The young lady sitting next to me on the plane sneezed & I said “Bless you” & she thanked me then she immediately sneezed again & I said “You only get one” and oh she did NOT laugh
Why couldn’t I have been born rich instead of so ridiculously witty?
If you can get the pronouns right for a boat you can get them right for a person
Why can’t Stephen Hawking dance? Because he’s white.