Wendall feverishly works on a shirt made solely out of ramen
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People call me a “Trekkie” but I’m not, I’ve only seen Star Wars a couple of times
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Truth or dare
I:
M:
I:.. Dare
M: I dare you to give me this job
I:(under breath) Damn she’s good
“You wore that before.”
Yes, because I own a washing machine.
Why don’t they make Neapolitan ice cream but with 3 better flavors?
I hate when people say “ the bug is more scare of you than you are of it”. DID THE BUG TELL YOU THAT ?!
I constantly see other people’s jobs they’re doing or have done and think “psshhh, I could do that better” like artists, photographers, dog walker, giraffe masseuse, water boy at a bath house, monkey tickler, Seth Greens personal high fiver, Doctor of Thuganomix.
To avoid further heartbreaks from loving someone who doesn’t love me back I have decided to focus on things I have a better shot with…like my love of chicken wings.
Chicken wings: Um, I have a boyfriend
My mom (seriously) asked if my friend’s brother “still had down syndrome.” No mother, he walked it off.
If you dated Taylor Swift and had a bad breakup and then she *didn’t* write a song about you, I bet that would hurt even more.
My son couldn’t remember his head injury from the other day. That’s either a very good sign or a very bad sign.
Ive just finished writing my first ever childrens novel. It’s called ‘We’re poor because of you’.
If someone challenged me to a pie fight, I’d 100% choose the apple pie in the freezer.
Peacock tails: Good!
Pee cocktails: Bad.
I miss when flirting was just wearing a candy necklace around my neck and asking if he wanted a bite
BARISTA: Thanks for coming. Enjoy your coffee!
ME: Thanks. You too!
BARISTA: You too? Oh no. Not again.
*pours ninth cup of coffee for the day and drinks it while excitedly sobbing
My 3yo explaining pizza delivery:
“You hear the doorbell, then you open the door, then a person is suddenly there, and then they give you a pizza. And then they disappear into the night.”
Takes the stairs because I preemptively exited an elevator and want to run from my shame
Listen. You call me a cunt and I’ll call you an ambulance.
If you were a burger, I’d throw you in the trash.
Me: this is my favorite place to do cartwheels but you have to watch out for the rocks
Date: those are headstones
figuring out my emotional availability:
TYRION: People love stories. And no one has a better story than Bran
ARYA, WHO LEARNED SHAPE-SHIFTING AND MURDERED THE INVINCIBLE ICE KING OF DEATH: Bran has what now
“14 years, £20 billion later and my team have finally finished building a Large Hadron Kaleidoscope.”
“You mean Collider?”
“Oh shit!”
I’m off to a 3yr olds party. There’ll be tears, tantrums and throwing up on the carpet. But enough about me, Im sure the kids will have fun.
Wife: Where have you been?
Me: [thinking about the studio apartment I disappear to when things are crazy at home] On a tri-state killing spree.
i got blood on my iphone the other day and before i could wipe it off siri made a slurpy noise and it was gone
[eating dinner]
wife
me
wife
me [wearing 8 Burger King crowns] If they didn’t want you to take more than one there’d be a sign
wife
me
wife
JUMP
ING
UP
AND
DOWN
ON
THE
TRAMP
O
LINE
OUT
SIDE
YOUR
WIN
DOW
IS
NOT
HOW
I
WANT
ED
TO
BREAK
UP
WITH
YOU
KAR
EN
My Ex is so mean she would train homing pigeons and then move away…
I hate when I see the moon during the day. Go to bed dude.