Told all my coworkers I shaved my beard but that was a bald-faced lie
You Might Also Like
[inventing jogging]
how can i suffer but with music
I’ll be the one at the office Christmas party, waiting patiently near the exit, so I can be the second person to leave.
And the award for Best Actress goes to…*opens envelope*….my 4 year old daughter for her overly-dramatic scene in “Bath Time”.
I should have seen this breakup coming…. The nicest thing she ever said to me was,
“Oh wow, that car almost hit you.”
Why?
How I answer every text when my friends with little kids ask me what I’m doing tonight
Related – I never babysit
You totally had me at “I want you” and I was so excited, I completely missed the ” To leave me alone” part….Sorry my bad.
*packing suitcases*
kid 1: stuffed animals, toy cellphone in side pocket
kid 2: stick
Do you know what really makes me smile? Facial muscles.
BANK: Someone made fraudulent charges with your debit card
ME: Wait… how do you know it wasn’t me
BANK: They entered the PIN correctly on the first try
ME: Dear god
WIFE: What the…?
ME: I’m teaching him to play piano.
W: You idiot!
M *covering chicken’s ears*: Not in front of Johann Sebastian Bock-Bock
me: welcome to todays episode of cribs! this crib has a bouncy castle, lets check it out
[45 mins later]
camera man: should we see other stuff now?
me: *out of breath* no
Rejected Olympic Events:
Javelin Catch
Jello Shotput
Border Fencing
Cardboard Boxing
Menstrual Cycling
Salad Tossing
Wrestling Demons
Why couldn’t the cyclops spell Hawaii?
Because it requires two i’s.
People are always terrified of child birth, but they should be scared of the 18 years that follow. Those have to be done without pain meds.🥴
If you’re happy and you know it…
Watch the news.
If I start learning from my mistakes how will anyone recognize me ?
“Ruh roh” says Scooby as the cops pull the van over. Shaggy looks at the kilos of heroin in the back, sighs, and pulls out a machine gun.
My wife asked me to put ketchup on the shopping list.
Now I can’t read anything.
Yesterday, myself, Miss 9 and husband were sat on a train in and around a man with a book entitled Surrounded by Idiots.
Nah what the hell was going on in the back lmaoo
Just learned that land on earth was covered in moss for 40 million years. Imagine getting to one million years of just moss thinking that you gotta be done with moss any day now and then you learn it’s 39 million more years of moss
listening to jazz: do any of them know what the other ones are playing
Money doesn’t grow on trees sounds like something rich people would say so you don’t go looking for their money trees
My psychic friend asked me if I was available any afternoon this week
My reply: I don’t know,am I?
So Torchwood, the Who spinoff, is notably an anagram of Doctor Who, so obviously this must be the rule for all subsequent spinoffs. I’m now going to pitch my show “Hoot Crowd” about a large group of time-travelling owls.
I see you posted a photograph of snow with the caption “it’s cold” could you tell me more about that
It’s hard to tell because most pictures are in black and white, but Abraham Lincoln’s hat was actually a nice mauve.
TENNIS BOYFRIEND: You deserve love
TENNIS GIRLFRIEND: That’s so mean
What I said: I do.
What she heard: I do… want to awaken to the sweet sound of your voice saying “My feet are cold”, as you mash your size 7 icicles against me, til death do us part.