I don’t have a spirit animal. I have a judgemental chicken that’s followed me around my whole life shaking its head disapprovingly.
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Sometimes I swear I’m reading a post about a reliable used car and the whole time it’s a man wishing his wife a happy anniversary
they probably named the Rocky mountains first and then saw all the other mountains and were like “oh”
Today Mother phoned asked me what I was doing . I said I was on Google maps and looking at her house .She asked if I could see her waving .
Reports say 3 billion Yahoo accounts were hacked and suddenly 3 billion people remembered they had yahoo accounts.
I hate what you’ve done with the place.
Dear Tech Support,
I twied to puth my tongue in tha USthB port again. Canth you helpf?
[SPELLING BEE]
JUDGE: Bourgeoisie
ME: Really? W o w
JUDGE: *annoyed* Sir, the word is Bourgeoisie
ME:*clears throat* Eff – U – See – Kay – U
Just updated My Facebook status from “Single” to “In a Trinity”. #wayoverdue
Im not saying the ‘70s were perfect, but somewhere along the line we lost focus and forgot that all chase scenes demand banjo music
Me: Pfft.. There is scientific evidence that a woman’s brain is lighter than a man’s.
Her: Perhaps because it gets more exercise.
Yea…sure! I was hoping someone would come and stand uncomfortably close to me today
[dragging a corpse to the shed]
NEIGHBOR: putting away the halloween decorations?
ME: decorations?
My front door has a reverse peephole so you can see me ignoring you
Kids are hard to predict; and living in 2021 with two young kids who sing along to “Who Let the Dogs Out” was not what I expected.
6yo Me: I can’t do this.
Teacher: You need to take can’t out of your vocabulary.
6yo Me: I cannot do this.
My landlord is pissed off at me for being naked in the front yard…and now he just asked me to leave his cookout.
I received a sibling discount when kid number two got braces today. Kid two said I should give her a cut since she “saved” me $200. I told her she actually cost me $5,000. She said, “Yeah, but not $5,200
ME: [bumps man]
MAN: [spills coffee] Say sorry
ME: No
MAN: Then I’ll see you in court
ME: [remembers I own a camouflage suit] You won’t
🚫No Riding A Motorcycle While Being Haunted By The Memory Of A Deceased Pet
*brings bucket of fried chicken in meeting*
*meeting starts*
*I eat each piece, crunching, licking my fingers*
*touches all the paper work*
“OMG THE CORN IS SHOOTING AT US”
– inventor of popcorn
[bar closing time]
Do you wanna come over to my place?
Her (flirtatious af): oh yeah
Ok hold on..
*dials phone*
Mom? Can you pick me up now?
Hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil.
I can accomplish this if I avoid my mother.
Prepare for the zombie apocalypse?
No.
Just bite me and get it over with. I’m too lazy for this crap.
2019: starts making risotto
2021: almost done but not quite
Me: I wonder why my stomach hurts
Taco Bell: that’s weird, I dunno what it could be
You don’t hear much about Snow White’s eighth dwarf, but they should never have trusted Clumsy with an axe.
I’m a bound and determined person and I like to get things done but as I’ve gotten older I’ve found that I can pay others to do it while I take a nap.
St Peter: welcome to the afterlife
me: damn… there’s more?
It’s important when dieting to reward yourself and take a break. Then, when you return to your diet a decade later you’re all set to go