Disappointed a milkshake is just called a milkshake in the UK. I would’ve guessed it was something real perverted like a curd sweetie or lovie cream
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I have consumed so much potato salad the last couple of days, I’m sweating mayo
Last week I chopped my neighbour’s tree and now it’s growing back because his-tree repeats itself…
Indoor water parks full of kids in diapers for when you want to catch a case of name that bacterial infection
65 mph wind gusts today. This is why Midwesterners are heavy. Everyone else rolls away like a tumbleweed.
“You may now kiss the bride”
Wow this is the happiest day of-
*dad flies by in hot air ballon*
QUEEERR
*throws football at my head*
Hairdresser: [holding up mirror] what do you think?
Me: [horrified] I love it
my wife says she’s never worked in tech support, but when something is broken she always has helpful tips like “is it on?” and I’m like ok geek squad
cop: you’re free to go
me: but
cop: go on now
me: please
cop: I SAID GET OUTTA HERE
me: *runs into the forest*
cop: :'(
Stop saying “you can’t make this stuff up“. You can make anything up. Watch this: a breakdancing beaver wearing a top hat. A peanut butter and thumbtack sandwich. A baby doing calculus. It’s easy.
Jousting on horseback except both competitors have party subs.
Being a woman means owning ten bras. One you wear six days a week. One is on emergency reserve in case you have to leave the house on laundry day. And the rest exist to take up space in your already overstuffed underwear drawer.
Monopoly taught me that to become a truly successful property owner, I’m going to have to go to jail on a regular basis.
Just because something’s vegan doesn’t mean it’s cruelty-free. For example, my ex-girlfriend
[girl interrupting my sexting] please eat the potato salad with your mouth closed
Somedays I feel like running away.
Then I remember how much I hate running.
Bruh 😭😭😭😭
me: do dragons eat treasure? why do they want it
google: we’re doing this again?
I switched to brown eggs but can barely taste the chocolate. Huge disappointment.
When I become a ghost, Im going to leave messages in blood, but theyre gonna be overwhelmingly positive, like “You’re Doing A Great Job”
[first date]
Her: I like my steak rare
Him: *trying to impress* I’ll order for both of us. 2 panda fillets please.
it kind of looks like someone just took away their laptop
[ DEATH CERTIFICATE ]
Cause of Death: Sent girlfriend Eye Roll Emoji
It’s like my racist grandpa used to say: “Good morning.”
That unrepentant bigot had many flaws, but cordial salutations wasn’t one of them.
Me: Why did I walk in this room?
My brain: Not sure but here’s a song from 2005 I’m gonna play on repeat for the next 10 hours.
I don’t know why smokey the bear carries a shovel, but it scares the shit out of me.
My daughter called Neapolitan ice cream “three-way” ice cream & I’m not sure I’ll correct her cuz I’m a horrible person & it makes me laugh.
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
I saw a guy drink a coke in the store and pay for it later, but I’d barely gotten the cork out of this wine bottle before the manager confronted me.
[restaurant]
can I get 8 single slices of pepperoni pizza please?
-how bout just one whole pizza instead?
oh no I can’t eat a whole pizza
Sorry I’m late, I was combing granola bar out of my daughter’s hair for 25 minutes