So let me get this straight, she shot someone through the heart and the worst thing you can say about her is that she gives love a bad name?
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A baby and I locked eyes. I panicked, but thankfully I didn’t cry first. Haha stupid baby, I win.
[robber waving gun around in bank] nobody move a muscle
[me making eye contact with him then to the popsicle in my hand then back to him]
Stop burning bridges. They’re not even good kindling. Just use sticks.
Daughter: Daddy, I want to reach out and touch a star
Me: Yeah, well, that would incinerate the both of us instantly so I don’t think so
DOG DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: Please assume the correct position for operating a vehicle.
DOG STUDENT: *sticks head out window*
DDI: Excellent.
“You’re great in bed.”
— me, talking to my breakfast
shoutout to everyone but my kids who both decided to do summer school killing all of my mornings forever
“So sorry” – Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me
Me:Everything you know about me is a lie.Coworker:So you didnt dance naked in the fountain at the mall?Me: Everything other than that.
what I’m actually doing when I don’t pick up any calls
After coronavirus is officially renamed, scientists admit they shouldn’t have put it to a public vote but will nonetheless continue to fight the spread of Diseasy McDiseaseface.
Claustrophobia is the fear of closed spaces…
For example, I’m going to the liquor store and I’m scared that it may be closed…
Two eggs, some bacon, and a piece of toast walk into a bar. The bartender says, hey! We don’t serve breakfast here. #Tellyourworstjoke
something magical should happen if you eat enough saltwater taffy. maybe a mermaid drags you into the ocean
Me: Your honor, he’s not asking the witness any questions. He’s just reading Harry Potter to the jury.
Judge: Yeah, I’m gonna allow it.
WIFE: I want a divorce.
ME: Is it because of my small wrists?
WIFE: Yes.
ME: [taking off bracelet] Then take your ring back.
It’s a proud parenting moment seeing your kid throw away their own trash. You may also solve the mystery of the missing silverware.
Me: I’m older and wider
Them: don’t you mean “wiser”
Me: nope
Them: Hey girl what’s your sign
Me: McDonalds Open 24 hours
[commercial for string cheese] do you like cheese?
me: YES
“do you like string?”
me: yes?
daniel radcliffes agent: hello harry potter
daniel radcliffe: hello
agent: would you like to be in a movie
daniel radcliffe: is it very strange
agent: yes
daniel radcliffe: then yes
agent: when can you get here
daniel radcliffe: i’m in your yard climbing trees as we speak
Every car wash comes with a free shower if you get out of your vehicle naked.
Are kids ever okay at all?😂
When my sugar daddy told me no, I asked my sugar mommy, and my sugar daddy found out and now I’m sugar grounded.
The wife and I decided we’re gonna try and have another baby so now she’s distracting the hospital security guy while I sneak in
When I track packages I ordered, I don’t use the number. I use footprints, broken leaves, and the smell of blood.
next time i’m opening up to someone is my autopsy
once i got commissioned to review a film, and when i went to file my story I said “Here’s my review! Not a great movie tbh” and then forgot to paste in the Google Doc link, so the editor replied being like “oh… we’d still like an article?”
There’s a butterfly in my office and a nerf gun in my purse. Susan, clear my schedule.
got banned from Trader Joe’s for my controversial political opinions (or because I keep taking cheese into the bathroom)