alexa mow my grass with an upside down helicopter
You Might Also Like
My sleeping pills say don’t mix with alcohol, but drop it in the glass and it dissolves just fine. Doctors think they know everything.
me: *filling my plate with a heaping pile of mashed potatoes*
brain: THIS IS PORTION CONTROL PUT THE SERVING SPOON DOWN WE REPEAT PUT TH
me: *goes radio silent*
I don’t know why people get mad when someone uses their driveway to turn around. You get to feel the rage of someone dropping by unexpectedly followed by the orgasmic relief of them leaving.
The inventor of cheese: This milk is nice but I wish I could bite it.
*unhooking milker from my gorilla*
wife: still no glue?
As a kid: the floor is lava
As a parent: the floor is Lego™️
Creator of Etch A Sketch:
We’ll show people drawing murals in the commercial but in reality most people will only be able to draw stairs.
Why did God make Trolls World Tour so hard to say?
🎶 Whoa we’re half way there,
Whoa-oh…
*spits out coffee* VERB IS A NOUN
Idk guys, life has never thrown me lemons.
Social anxiety, insomnia, mental breakdowns, drugs and eating disorders..
But never lemons.
[McDonalds board meeting]
CEO: We need some mascots that cater to children. Kids love clowns, criminals and eggplants right?
Your secret is safeish with me
If you haven’t been to the Grand Canyon, I highly recommend it. It’s just gorges
Point of etiquette: When attending a chainsaw massacre, don’t spend the entire time chainsawing one person. Get out there and mangle.
Add mushrooms to any salad for that farm fresh taste of dirt.
Pfizer: Our vaccine is 90% effective.
Me who always gets the lemon skittle: oh no
“I get plenty of exercise” I tell myself as I eat a banana peel because I’m too lazy to get off the sofa and throw it away
i cant feel my face when im with you /
please untie me /
nose is itchy
I can eat anything in the house unless it was specifically bought for my wife but the only way to know it’s for her is to eat it. Apparently
Boss:Why is your voice gone? Are you ok?
Me:*thinks back to me belting out Ariana Grande’s “Dangerous Woman”*
I’m ok…allergies are bad.
the worst part of facing the final boss in any video game is when he makes you fill out the self-evaluation portion of your performance review beforehand
Feeling stressed out?
Make a nice cup of hot tea and then spill it in the lap of whoever’s bugging you.
the racists in this town are so proud of their lack of pigmentation you’d think they had actually chose it themselves 🙂
Him: Don’t get your panties in a bunch.
Me: It’s called a bulk pack, Todd. That’s how Costco sells them.
Don’t ever call me sexist.
Sexism is wrong and being wrong is for women.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 1
Kid: Can I have a popsicle for breakfast?
Me: No, absolutely not.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 2
Kid: Can I have a popsicle for breakfast?
Me: After you eat your real breakfast.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 3
Kid: What’s for breakfast?
Me: Popsicles.
Sorry, my husband really tends to frown on me dating.
The year is 2482.
The human population has been decimated.
Machines have taken over Earth.
A new season of Grey’s Anatomy starts.
MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER BEFORE METOO:
“You look so pretty.”MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER AFTER METOO:
“You look so pretty… bUt i GueSs i’M nOt aLLoWeD tO sAy tHaT anYmOrE hAha!”