Another election year, another voting day writing in Bart Simpson on the ballot.
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[seconds after I am done vacuuming the entire house]
My Dog: I LOVE YOU AND I HAVE BROUGHT YOU THE ENTIRE LAWN AND SO MANY LEAVES!
My 12 year old sent me an email asking permission to spend a no school day at a friend’s house. I wish I could post the whole thing but I’ll just share the introductory paragraph.
robber: me n Lenny will handle this job tonight, obviously you’re gonna be lookout again…sorry Joe
giraffe: this is bullshit Steve
WIFE: What the…?
ME: I’m teaching him to play piano.
W: You idiot!
M *covering chicken’s ears*: Not in front of Johann Sebastian Bock-Bock
[ first day as a villain ]
him: hi, how are you
me: very evil, thank you
there is no such thing as a domesticated cat. what we have done to dogs is impressive and obvious. what we have done to cats, so far as i can tell, is nothing
Hit 1,000 followers and a 100 star tweet on the same day! Do you know what that means?!
900 of you don’t read my shit.
Barney: I love you, you love me
Me: *rolling over in bed* look I thought this was a no strings thing
Kanye West tweeted that Bill Cosby is innocent?
This is the last straw.
He just lost my vote in 2020.
Jan. 1, 2021: We did it, guys! That awful year is behind us!
Aug. 4, 2021: The snake wolves have taken Illinois. Here’s what that means for Ohio volcano refugees.
a broth-er is the best relative to help you make soup
At Toys R Us:
TRU: Yessir?
Me: I want a light saber.
TRU: We have basic to advanced, how old is your
grandson?Me: 40ish
When someone pisses me off, I plan my revenge in my head.
Then I realize how long that will take and I take a nap instead.
My mom keeps telling me there are plenty of fish in the sea. She REALLY doesn’t get me anymore. I. Don’t. Want. A. Fish.
Finally I have an excuse for getting fat, heard on radio about girl who been eating in her sleep … That’s it, I’ve got that !
[me adjusting paintball mask] it’s too bad we aren’t on the same team
date: yeah
Tried to type “I’m on my way” and autocorrect changed it to “I’m in my way” and that is probably way more accurate.
[date]
him: I loved Captain Marvel.
me: Me too!
him: What was your favorite part?
me: *sweating* The uhhh…marveling
My husband and I have never had couples counseling, but we once had a third person help guide us out of a tight parking spot. Saved our marriage.
There must be an invisible mechanism on my book. Every time I open it, my husband starts trying to talk to me
Just saw 2 men with nets, a bag of worms and some rods. Definitely something fishy going on
My husband is a mumbler, but that doesn’t stop him from telling me I’m beautiful… I’m pretty sure that’s what he’s saying anyway.
turkey? Nope. I haven’t seen a turkey
Like most parents, I live in fear of the day I have to explain PRETTY WOMAN to my daughter.
“I’m on my way!”
-Someone who won’t be leaving for at least 20 minutes
Sorry I asked, “Is it friendly?” & tried to pet your baby.
[first date]
*Ok don’t let her know you’re a vampire*
“Would you like a mint?”
*reaches in pocket, pulls out SPF 5,000,000,000*
“Dammit”
My husband just got so tired of our argument he threw himself down the imaginary steps behind the couch.
My chess strategy is to make a bunch of erratic moves at the beginning to throw my opponent off, & then lose the game
If Popeye ate escargots instead of spinach would he be known as Popeye the snailor man?
#SpinachDay