[police car behind me]
Me: shit, was that a red light back there?
My dog: like a light grey
Me: …
My dog: if that helps
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I keep a knife in my Bible so if someone wants to kill me, I ask to read it & when I get to the 6th Commandment, I stab them in the face.
[texting]
Him: What’re you doing
Me: Watching a chicken strip
H: Why don’t you just eat it
M: BECAUSE SHE’S BUSY DANCING, TODD
“Say it!”
“No!”
“Say it, Hans.”
“My name’s not Hans!”
“I WILL drop you.”
“Fine, okay, you win!”
“I need to hear you say it.”
“Die Hard is a Christmas movie!”
I don’t sign anything if they don’t give me time to pretend to read it first.
this is my favourite piece of literary criticism of all time
When I canceled my gym membership, I had to submit a too weak notice
Please pray for my 5yo who demanded I get him a glass of water because he’s “too thirsty to walk to the kitchen”.
My bf: talking of politics, real world issues, upcoming events.
Me: do you think donkeys like the sound they make?
Single and childfree like Jesus
*feels comfortable*
comfortable: *slaps hand away*
Government Shutdown: Day Three
Jellystone Park still closed.
Still no pic-a-nic baskets.
Yogi stares at Boo-Boo…
Boo-Boo looks tasty.
There should be a “shame” setting on showerheads.
Your email signature says “best regards” mine says “alrighty then” we are not the same.
Guy who treats establishing shots like people on here treat sex scenes. Rolls his eyes any time we see a building’s exterior. “The characters are inside. Why do we need to see what the house looks like from the street.” Loudly groans whenever someone pulls up somewhere in a car
Next time someone knocks on your bathroom stall say “Sorry, I’m with a client.”
Just told my toddler to eat 5 bites of her dinner, to which she replied I was horrible. So I counted the number 3 twice. Biotch.
Text from my mom, after watching my sons all day:
“Did the boys show you the movie they made that’s 17 minutes long and is the most boring thing on earth?”
I want a sandwich in the streets and a sandwich in the sheets.
How many days should i wait before i call my senator, i don’t want to seem desperate
People in Jersey say “you’re welcome” not to be polite but to remind people to say thank you.
Back from the dentist, my teeth are now the most expensive things I own.
[At Adele Concert]
Adele: Hello from the other siiiiiide
Me (shouting): Tell us your surname
[first day as a human being] wow there are a lot of us, this seems promising 🙂 it appears that we’re all in this togeth-
I always carry a jellyfish in case I need to pee on someone.
I’ve decided it’s time to fall in love again.
*orders southern fried chicken sandwich with extra pickles*
*tries to lose weight by talking about it*
omg leave her alone
Pretending not to see the judgemental looks of other shoppers in the meat department as I continue to make all the hams kiss.
The biggest laugh at a joke I’ve ever received was on a plane to Amsterdam.
I was on a KLM flight, and the Heineken tall boys were free. When I asked for my fourth, the flight attendant asked me if I think I’d had enough.
I replied, ” Am I gonna have to fly the plane later?
Any parent who manages to wash their kids’ favorite stuffed animal may include “hostage negotiator” on their resume.