I hate when people call and say they’re 10 minutes away for a “drop-by surprise visit” and I have to set fire to my house.
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me: do that thing i like
him: stops blocking the kitchen drawer i need to get into
Came back from the doctor and told my wife that I was perfectly healthy and I could’ve sworn she mouthed the word “crap”.
ME: holy shit is that the pope?!
HER [tugging on my arm]: sit down that’s the bride
“Grey’s Anatomy” but it’s told entirely through the lens of the hospital’s HR department.
Mixology students be like, “My mint leaf dissertation needs to slap.”
How was your day?
-You know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
That bad?
-Oh no. It’s just a cool scene. My day was decent
me: do you serve crabs here?
waiter: yes, we do
my crab: *taking off his jacket* finally
Unprecedented times would be if something nice happened every day for like 2 weeks
Friend: Can you drive me to work next week?
Me: What time?
F: 6 AM
M: 6 AM?! Hold on….
*pushes my car off a bridge*
M: I’m back. No.
Me: *eating a Mars bar*
Martian: Good grief where will I obtain alcohol now
My wife CLAIMS to be my best friend but she didn’t seemed all that psyched when I bragged about this girl at work I just made out with.
[puts puppy in microwave]
[googles instructions for making hotdogs]
[quickly releases puppy from microwave]
Cats don’t say YOLO they say YOLNT
[accepting a compliment]
you are wrong
I believe you cannot save people, you can only just love them. Which is probably why my job as a lifeguard didn’t last long.
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
Me: how long do you boil something to disinfect it
Her: idk google it
Me: can I use your phone, mine’s disinfecting
Her: *googling DIY annulment*
Before kids: I’m going to age like fine wine.
After kids: I’m aging like cheese. Left outside.
I’m not saying Goldilocks was a piece of shit, but she broke into someone’s house and just started eating their breakfast.
HER: i could really use a shoulder to cry on right now
ME [a mortician]: *looks at clipboard* ok what type are you looking for?
[goes up to girl after symphony concert] Hey girl, you sounded real good tonight. I’m a huge fan of the…*looks at her clarinet*…e-cig.
the “i feel like things can’t get any worse” to “oh i see” pipeline
[Morgan Freeman voice] Isolated from his group, this penguin will not survive
[penguin voice] Hey dude, I can hear you.
Honey Boo Boo evolves into Sugar Scab! Pokemon is back baby!
‘You have a choice to not be rotten’ I patiently explain to my cat who promptly responds by vomiting on the couch
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Expectations vs. Reality
Just tried to watch a James Bond movie and wow, first thing that happens is he walks into frame and fires his gun at me, the viewer. I have never felt so disrespected in my entire life and expect better from a man wearing a tuxedo. One star.
me: I think you’ll find my resumé impressive
interviewer: this is a note threatening to…eat the moon?
me: [grabbing it] ah that’s not-*cough*-that’s for something else